


Roy, Ed, and the Smallest Transmutation Circle Ever Made (A Crackfic)

by RoyEdIsMyAesthetic



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Adult Circumcision, Anal Sex, Bad Jokes, Bullet wound, Car Chases, Comedy, Crying, Cults, Domestic Violence, Edward Elric Playing an Instrument, Father-Son Relationship, Fatherhood, Forced Bonding, Forced Marriage, Gun Violence, Heart Attacks, Hitchhiking, Holding Hands, Incest, Intrusive Thoughts, Joining a cult, M/M, Marriage, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Older Characters, Pervert, Physical Abuse, Plantbending, Plants, Public Sex, Quirks, References to Ouran High School Host Club, Road Trips, Roadside Attraction, Romance, Self-Insert, Sibling Incest, Squirrels, Strong Language, Transmutation, Transmutation Circle, Voyeurism, Wedding, break-up, bullet, paramedics, porn stars, psychological problems, royed, violin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:39:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic/pseuds/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Near death experiences are reminders that life is short. And you better do what you want before it's too late. What Roy wants entails taking a road trip across the country with a certain unrequited love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Puberty does amazing things to people.

Well that's not always true. Sometimes it screws people over and the ugly just stay ugly forever, but for Edward Elric, that wasn't the case. Edward was good looking as a kid. He had a rather large female fan base in Central and East City when he was a teen. He just didn't notice it because he was a bit clueless when it came to things like that.

Roy Mustang was also a bit clueless at the time, though he was a bit clueless in a different area.  

He was in denial. Horrible, soul-crushing denial. And he continued to be in this state of denial until Edward was about twenty one years old or so. After that, he came to terms with his regularly scheduled "IPTs" as he liked to call them, pronounced just as it's spelled.

IPTs.

Intrusive.

Perverted.

Thoughts.

Now that Ed had blossomed into the wonderful prime of legality, Roy felt comfortable thinking whatever he wanted to think (up to a certain point). And he found no shame in saying that at the age of twenty six... Edward Elric had become fucking eye candy. 

After Promised Day, Ed had gone traveling for a while, but when he came back, he worked in the same building as Roy, reading through military documents and getting them signed. He also did some teaching here and there with new recruits for the State Alchemist program. He occasionally gave lectures at the local university, but mostly, he was in his office which was down the hall from Roy's one. 

Little did Edward know, Roy had stationed him there on purpose, and that was something that he would be in denial about until the day he died. Roy would always leave the door of his office open so he could see Fullmetal hurry by, walking down the hall with stacks of paper clutched closely to his chest. And whenever Roy got that snapshot of him in that open doorway... it was as if time itself had come to a crashing halt.

Ed was toned. He was trim. He was well dressed, wearing polished shoes, brown slacks, a darker brown waistcoat, and a white collared shirt beneath. He was not too tall, but not too short either. On October 14th (don't ask why Roy retained this information) he started rolling up the sleeves of his button down shirts, hitching them up past his elbows, showing off wonderfully strong and sun-kissed arms. He always wore his golden hair in a ponytail now, and it trailed behind him as he walked. His molten gold eyes were as shining as ever. Perched on his nose was a pair of glasses, which may be a turn-off for some, but for Roy (who wore reading glasses himself), it was definitely a turn  _on_. They accentuated his intelligence and complemented the shape of his chiseled face.  

Okay, maybe Roy was a bit... He didn't like the word 'obsessed', but yeah, maybe he was a bit obsessed.

But he was also in love. 

Not in the otaku fangirl sense of the word love, which is actually infatuation and is thrown around all too lightly. Roy knew that his care for the young man ran deep. 

Roy stood up from behind his desk, and he was about to go into thinking about all of the things that he liked about Fullmetal's personality, but he was cut off by a sharp ache that suddenly pierced his chest like an arrow through a target. The painful, squeezing discomfort had been coming and going all day long. He had been feeling sick to his stomach that morning too- perhaps he should have taken Riza's advice and stayed home...

Roy's face twisted with agony, and taking hold of the fabric over his heart, he doubled over behind his desk, placing a hand atop the paper-littered table to steady himself as the room began to spin.

"Ed?" he breathed weakly.

Oh god, no, this wasn't his perverted but romantically justified feelings going into hyperdrive- something was  _definitely_  wrong with him. He felt sickeningly hot, and as much as he breathed, his lungs continued to thirst for more air.

Edward then stuck his head through the open doorway. 

"Ya call me, Mustang...  _OH WHAT THE FUCK?!_ " he exclaimed. 

A loud thud was heard as Roy's body hit the floor. 

You know... sometimes... you just  _pass_   _out_. I mean,  _I've_  passed out once or twice in my day.

It's not your fault. 

And it's not eye candy's fault either. What can be mistaken as 'heartache' can actually be a bit more disconcerting than that and requires immediate medical attention.

A myocardial infarction. 

Commonly known as a heart attack.


	2. Eliza J. Hennessy

The whole experience reminded him of the time he had gotten high with Maes when they were younger. And knowing Maes, just from that single sentence, you can take a good guess that stupid shit happened that time Roy had gotten high with Maes when they were younger.

Roy didn't remember much.

It was a haze of color and thought and eye-opening clarity, and nirvana, and an amusement park. There was some puking involved after they rode the teacups, and then it was dark, and out of the haze he awoke at the back of a donut shop where the whole escapade had begun in the first place.

Hughes was straddling him.

And undressing him.

And leaving a trail of tender kisses up his neck, sending a shiver shooting down his spine.

As he reached orgasm, Roy let out a cry of pleasure that alerted the owners of the establishment, Maes' parents, that their son and his boyfriend were having sex in their storage room... but that's not the point.

Roy was still in a haze, but through the fog... he heard a voice calling out to him...

Edward was on the floor with Roy, cradling the trembling man's head in his arms. Roy had thrown up a few seconds ago, and the office smelled of sick, the smell going unnoticed as tears rolled down the middle aged man's face which was twisted with agony. It felt like someone had wrapped an elastic band around his chest, squeezing it tighter, and tighter, and tighter...

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!" he heard Edward call desperately. A clenched fist gripped the fabric of Mustang's shirt sleeve. "Come on, stay with me, bastard!" Ed shouted through the fog, "You have your whole life ahead of you, you have  _fucking dreams_! Remember?!"

Ro _y_ took in a labored breath and shakily nodded his head. "M-M-M-mini-sk-skirt army..." he breathed.

"Yes, the miniskirt army! Exactly!" Ed cried. "I have the papers in my office; and all we need to do is get some signatures- we'll get it done, just you and me! We'll make dreams come true, just... Breathe!"

And then Roy did exactly the opposite of what he had been told him to do. He stopped breathing, though it wasn't out of spite. 

It was alright, because in that exact moment, the paramedics came into the room. Roy was rushed to the hospital, stabilized, and after two days of observation, it was declared that he was a-okay. He had some heart problems when he was a child and difficulties came bouncing back a couple years ago. He was a bit stressed out at work and he forgot to take his meds that morning, so the combination of the two was what brought him down in the end.

He had a cute nurse. And he had a lot of visitors, so that was nice.

Fullmetal was currently sitting in a chair beside his hospital bed, solving his thirteenth sudoku. Roy slowly sat up in bed and quietly studied the blond, wondering if now was the right time to pop the question. Not  _that_  question, but rather, another question that will further the plot of the story, maybe lead to something that will grab your attention, and keep you here, away from all the productive things that you're supposed to be doing at this moment. 

"Hey... do you have dreams, Fullmetal?"

Edward looked up from his sudoku book and narrowed his golden eyes curiously. "Course I do. Why are you asking?"

"Well, you got your body back and your brother's body back too. You live comfortably, so... what is it that you want now?"

Edward went quiet for a moment. He blinked. "You want me to be honest?" he asked.

Roy nodded his head slightly. "Honest to Truth."

"Not a what. A who," Edward said. A dreamy look washed over his face. "Eliza J. Hennessy."

"Who in the world is Eliza J. Hennessy?"

"Porn star," Edward answered unblinkingly. "Lesbian porn star."

"You watch lesbian porn?" Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Edward put his book on the floor and sat back in his seat, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

"You told me to answer honestly. And I'm not exactly shy about things like this; I don't  _fuck around_  when it comes to lesbian porn."

"I'm not judging," Roy said, putting up his hands defensively. "I'm just looking for clarification. Anyway, what is it about Eliza J. Hennessy the lesbian porn star? You wanna do her?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders slightly. "No... I just want her to give me a lap dance. If she were to do that, well.... I could die happy."

It was then that a thirteen year old girl with long, tawny hair and bright green eyes stuck her head through the doorway. She pushed her rectangular glasses further up on the bridge of her nose before she smiled softly. 

"I find Edo's desire to be sexually stimulated by a lesbian porn star to be very admirable!" she stated.

"YOUNG LADY!" Roy cried with disapproval, "You should be ashamed of yourself! I don't EVER want to hear things like that coming out of your mouth again, you hear me!"

The young teen didn't look at all ashamed of herself as she stepped into the hospital room with the handle of a plastic bag in her left hand. "Sorry, Uncle Roy!" she chirped, "But Edo did say it first..."

"You're a bad influence," Roy muttered, shooting a glare at Ed. He looked back to the bespectacled teen. "Anyway, Elicia, what are you doing here?"

"My uncle had a freak heart attack!" she cried, "What kind of niece would I be if didn't visit him in the hospital ! And plus, my mom made you pie!" she exclaimed, lifting up the plastic bag containing said pie.

Roy reached over to pick a piece of folded paper up off of the side table. "Thank your mother for the pie. And Ed? This is for you," he stated, holding the paper out to him.

Edward hesitantly took it and unfolded it with Elicia looking curiously over his shoulder. It was folded up multiple times, and what was before the size of a matchbox was a roadmap that was two and a half feet by a foot and a half tall.

"It's a fucking map..." Ed stated.

"No, it's my dream," Roy corrected. "Look at the destination I circled."

Both Elicia and Edward leaned in closer, looking at the place circled in red felt pen with a description scribbled above it.

"I thought that becoming fuhrer and starting up your mini skirt army was your dream..." Edward muttered to himself.

"Well that would be nice, but it isn't at the top of my bucket list. Those are more... administrative dreams. This is a personal dream."

Edward looked up from the map with a frown on his face. "They say that you shouldn't stop dreaming unless your dream is stupid. And honestly, Roy, your dream is probably the stupidest dream I've ever heard of. This makes getting a lap dance from Eliza J. Hennessy seem as big as winning an Oscar. Or the Nobel Peace Prize."

"I'm serious, Ed. I want to travel to Aerugo and see the smallest transmutation circle ever made. It's so small, you need a microscope to see it- it can't be seen by the naked eye. It's so pitiful, I kind of find it funny."

Edward glared back at Roy. "Is this supposed to be some sick kind of metaphor for somethin'?"

"No."

"Does some hot chick own this roadside attraction?"

"No, but there's something else I need to see there too. I'm serious. And I want you to come see it with me."

"FUCK NO!" 

Roy felt like he had been stabbed in the chest. Again. Edward liked this sort of weird alchemy related crap- he was positive that he would have jumped on the opportunity.

"Can I come, Uncle Roy?" Elicia asked excitedly.

"Ask your mother..." Roy mumbled.

"That means yes!" Elicia said, pumping a fist in the air, a mischievous smile spreading across her face.

"Ask your mother means ask your mother," Roy clarified. "But I'm not taking you along unless Fullmetal is coming along too. Ed, you don't understand... I have to have someone to make sure I don't die of heart failure, but... this is also just important. It's very important that I get there, and I need to get there as fast as possible because I am running out of time. Time is of the essence here, and-"

Edward's eyes widened with shock and he slapped a hand over his mouth as reality crashed down up him.

"Fullmetal? What is it?"

"Oh god... you're dying..." he breathed hoarsely. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry..."

Elicia looked like she was on the verge of tears. "...Uncle Roy..." she whimpered, her voice breaking, "You're... you're  _dying_?!"

"No, of course not!" Roy said loudly, trying to put an end to the horrible misunderstanding. "If I were dying, I would have told you! I'm not  _that_  horrible..."

"Oh, thank goodness..." Elicia said, wiping tears away from her eyes with her shirt sleeve.

Edward suddenly sat up from his seat and draped the open map over Roy's legs. "Well if you ain't dyin', I ain't goin'. Rest up, Mustang," he said quickly, waving a hand as he turned around and went out the door.

"Ed?!" Elicia called, "Come back! Oh... he's gone." She turned back to the bedridden friend of the family and put a hand on his arm when she noticed the downcast look on his face. "Don't worry, Uncle Roy. He'll come around. Hey... What's wrong?"

Still staring out the door, Roy's frown deepened.

"It's IPTs," he stated somberly.

Elicia came forward and awkwardly bent over the hospital bed so she could give Roy a hug. "Aw, you poor sexually frustrated ball of love..." she cooed, rubbing his back. "Like I said, he'll come around..."


	3. Love You Madly

Elicia's father left this earth a long time ago, but his daughter had a whole lot of other people, like Edward, Alphonse, Roy, Hawkeye, and Winry, who looked out for her every step of the way. They were there for birthdays, winter holidays, doctor's appointments, graduations, school plays, Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, and just every day of the week, every week.

People doted on that child.

And when Elicia wanted something... no one could say no.

Elicia took interest in the smallest transmutation circle ever made. And if Ed had to go with Roy so Elicia could see it...well, he had to go on that fourteen day car trip with Roy whether he liked it or not.

Ed stood in his bedroom with his suitcase packed and set on the floor beside him. He put two fingers to his lips and then lovingly touched them to the small picture taped to the mirror on the wall. The photograph depicted a curvaceous brunette in a rather revealing black bathing suit.

"Goodbye Eliza J. Hennessy," Edward said softly with a tender look in his eyes. "Take care of the house for me."

Edward cleared his throat before speaking in a high pitched voice- Eliza J. Hennessy's voice: " _Of course, baby. Have fun... but not too much fun._ "

Edward smiled. "You're such a tease..." he said, tilting his head slightly to the side. He then turned around and looked at the potted venus fly trap that grew on the windowsill. "Look out for Eliza, Crystal," Edward said to Crystal, the venus fly trap. "She's promiscuous."

Edward picked up his suitcase and walked down the hall to the front door. He paused in front of it and looked down at the small leafy bush that grew in a blue pot just beside the door frame.

"Don't let any weirdos through the door, Mark," he said to the bush. He immediately whipped his head around and looked at the potted tulips on the kitchen table.

"Oh quit looking at me like that, Alfred!" he shouted angrily, "I'm not going crazy in my old age, it's a quirk! Look after your fucking self and make sure that you and Mark don't get "quirky" together!" Ed said, making air quotes. "Yeah! I know how you are when you're alone. You like to spread your seed..."

_Cough!_

"Slut..."

There was a silence and Edward threw his suitcase down on the wood floor. There was a fire burning in his eyes as the tulips made shitty comment after shitty comment about him.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?! MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, ALFRED! YOU DON'T JOIN THE MILITARY AT TWELVE AND TRY TO BRING BACK THE DEAD AND EXPECT NOT TO HAVE SOME LONG-TERM PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS!"

Ed quieted and suddenly bowed his head. Closing his eyes, he put a hand to his forehead.

"Look at that..." he said softly. "You've made me upset. You know what? Maybe... maybe putting some distance between us will be good. For the both of us."

With a pained face, Ed shook his head and stepped through the front door. Before he closed the door, he looked back inside at the tulips. "I hope you get your act together."

And with that, he shut the door loudly. He closed his eyes, let out a deep breath, and he was good to go.

A blue 1924 Chevrolet sedan was waiting for him on the street. Roy of course was behind the wheel, but his back was twisted so he could talk to the thirteen year old girl who sat in the back seat. Today, her long hair was done in a ponytail with two long strands hanging in the front and side swept bangs- a hairstyle that she adopted from none other than Winry Rockbell.

Neither of the occupants of the car noticed Edward as he walked up. Rapping his knuckles against the side of the car got their attention.

"Hey, bitch!" Ed called to Roy.

Roy looked over and sighed tiredly. "Ed, please... not in front of the children..."

Leaning over Roy's seat, Elicia smiled with amusement. "You answered to Edo calling you a bitch..."

" _Elicia!_ "Roy cried.

" _Roy!_ " Elicia cried back mockingly.

" _Edward!_ " Ed sang, joining in on the fun.

Roy let out another tired sigh and ran his hands over his face. "Elicia, I swear to god..."

"You just swore to god," Elicia interrupted. "I don't think he likes that very much."

Roy twisted around in his seat and glared back at Elicia. Elicia's smile fell and she glared back at Roy with at least four times an intense glare- a glare unbefitting for a thirteen year old girl in a frilly yellow sundress.

A moment passed. And the corners of the girl's lips lifted up into a bright smile.

"Love ya!" she chirped.

"Yeah, I love you too kid, now zip your lips," Roy said before turning to Ed. "Now what's the matter?"

"Can I talk to you outside for a sec?" Ed asked.

"Sure."

Roy exited the car and told Elicia to stay put as he and Ed walked a few yards away so that they were out of earshot. Roy put his hands in his pant pockets, slightly anxious about what Edward wanted to talk about.

"What is it, Fullmetal?"

Edward shifted his weight and wet his lips before speaking.

"Well... we're both adults here, so I'm going to give it to you straight. Roy..."

He paused.

"Roy, I know about your perverted intrusive thoughts."

Roy's dark eyes widened with surprise and then narrowed with curiosity. "It's intrusive perverted thoughts," he corrected quickly, "otherwise it would spell out PITs, but... how did you know?!"

"Elicia told me. She's the one who made up the acronym in the first place. That's weird, but that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I also heard from Elicia that you have a sort of... it sounds weird to say it like this, but you have a crush. A... what do you call it? An infatuation, yes, an infatuation with someone at the office. A male someone at the office, and I really don't care and I really don't want to know who this person is. I just want to set some boundaries here."

"...boundaries..." Roy repeated hesitantly.

"Yes. I understand that we've been good friends for a decent while. And it was explained to me that you're frustrated with your crush as... people with crushes usually are. Fourteen days is a long time to be trapped in a car together. That's a lot of uninterrupted bonding time."

"And what about it?"

"You were very adamant about me coming with you when it's common knowledge that you can only stand my company for short periods of time. My point is that... I'm not available, Mustang."

Roy's brow furrowed. "I didn't know you were in a relationship..."

"I didn't say I was; I just said that I'm not available. I perfectly happy alone. I am footloose and fancy-free without a man, or a woman, or an other in my life. By myself, I am psychologically stable and I do not miss my brother who is with his wife hundreds of miles away, and I do not name my houseplants and speak to them on a daily basis as if they are roommates and occasional lovers."

"What?"

"Nothing. In conclusion, I'm not available. And I don't mean to.-" Ed paused, looking for the right words to say. "I don't mean to be really blunt? Or hurt your feelings? But it's true, so... now that we've got that cleared up... Let's hit the road."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is actually a reason for the potted plant thing, which shall be touched on later. Also, this chapter was inspired by the song Love You Madly by Cake.


	4. Satan Is My Motor

Sometimes, people hurt you. And they don't actually mean it. Sometimes they don't even know that they hurt you in the first place, but whatever happened, the results are always the same.

One party feels like shit.

And the other doesn't.

Feeling like shit left a sour taste in Roy's mouth, and sour is never a good way to start what's supposed to be a good old fashioned road trip with your significantly younger crush that you hoped would become something more. Sour doesn't belong in any aspect of life, other than in lemons.

In retrospect, Edward had been doing this since he was a kid.

You think you're smart. Because you are. And because you're smart, you state facts and truths that can offend people.

There were lots of things about Edward's truths that Roy didn't like. Not only had Ed dropped a hint that he didn't care about Roy's partner in a relationship if Roy in fact was in a relationship, but he also saw through to Roy's ulterior motives and blatantly rejected him.

Unbeknownst to Roy, Ed in fact did have legitimate reasons for his blatant rejection, but that didn't change the fact that Roy didn't like rejection in the first place. He didn't think that anyone really liked it either.

And so as a result, Roy didn't talk to Ed for the first four hours of their car ride. Sensing that he was being ignored, Edward passive aggressively ignored him back, and they were left to listen to the album Prolong the Music by Cake and its strong but easy going bassline that filled the car as their thoughts wandered to the person that was sitting beside them.

 

[ _**I've got wheels,** _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HLF9a1UF6Y)   
[ _**Of polished steel,** _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HLF9a1UF6Y)   
[ _**I've got tires that grab,** _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HLF9a1UF6Y)   
[ _**The road** _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HLF9a1UF6Y)

Edward had his elbow on the armrest and was balancing his chin on the palm of his hand. He was gazing out the open window with a faraway look in his eyes, however, his golden eyes curiously wandered over to the driver beside him whose dark hair whipped around slightly in the wind.

Ed watched, but he didn't turn his head. That way, Roy wouldn't notice him looking.

_**I've got seats that selflessly,** _   
_**Hold my friends,** _   
_**And a trunk that can carry,** _   
_**The heaviest of loads...** _

Roy felt eyes upon him. Looking straight ahead at the road, he blinked, confused as to if the feeling of being watched was supported by evidence. As he went down a straightaway, he hesitantly let his eyes wander to the golden eyed man sitting beside him. A small smile touched Roy's lips.

Edward quickly flicked his eyes back to the window to his left and a heat rose up in his cheeks that Roy didn't notice.

The look in Roy's eyes softened as he watched the younger man try to hide his blush. With a scowl on his face, Ed's eyes flicked back over to Roy. Their eyes locked and Edward looked away again out of embarrassment.

Still looking at Ed, Roy chuckled slightly.

_**I've got a mind that can steer me,** _   
_**To your house,** _   
_**And a heart that can bring you,** _   
_**Red flowers!** _

_**My intentions are good,** _   
_**And earnest, and true,** _   
_**But under my hood,** _   
_**Is internal combustion power...** _

Roy's smile slowly fell and he gripped the wheel tighter as he once again focused on the road ahead once again.

_**...Satan is my motor...** _

In the meantime, Elicia was completely oblivious to the dwindling hailstorm of passive aggression taking place between her two adult friends sitting in the front seats. She was as happy as could be, watching the landscape transform before her eyes. They left Central City in the dust and now traveled down a two lane highway that cut between a dark and sprawling forest of oaks and elms and birches. The shining yellow sun which once hung high in the sky began to droop, hiding behind the tree line, and bathing the outer edges of the earthly vision in inky shadows.

The movement of the car made her a bit drowsy, but her interest piqued and she was wide awake again when she saw a dot at the side of the road. It was a dark dot. A very human looking dot. A dark dot with a backpack on his back and one arm outstretched as he gave the passengers of the car a thumbs up.

"Hey. Who's that?" Elicia finally asked her elders.

Roy narrowed his eyes. "Hitchhiker probably," he answered, speaking for the first time in hours.

"We should stop and see if we can give him a lift!" Elicia said excitedly. "We have room, right?"

"I don't think that we should, Elysia..."

Edward finally spoke up. "I used to hitchhike all the time when I was a kid..." He paused and wrinkled his nose slightly, "but times are just different now. The world is full of people with perverted intrusive thoughts. I for one agree with the bastard. We are not picking up a hitchhiker, especially not that one who's standing at the edge of a dark, creepy wood at dusk. Anything can happen..."

"Oh but that's what makes things fun!" Elicia whined.

"So you're one of those people..." Roy grumbled.

"Please, Uncle Roy! Can we stop?" Elicia begged.

Edward frowned and turned around in his seat to look at Elicia. "Roy, whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors. She's giving the puppy dog eyes, and I know how susceptible you are to those eyes..."

Roy glanced up at his rearview mirror and saw the girl in the backseat.

"I told you not to look!" Ed exclaimed, turned back around in his seat.

"We're pulling over," Roy announced.

"Yes, we're pulling over," Edward quickly agreed with a nod of his head.

The figure standing in the distance steadily grew bigger and bigger as the car approached. Roy slowly stepped on the breaks and they eventually came to a slow roll at the shoulder of the road about a sixty yards in front of the stranger clad in inky shadows.

Roy put the car in park at the edge of the wood and turned around in his seat. "Stay in here, Elicia," Roy said, warningly pointing a finger at her. "I mean it. Ed and I will be back in a second, but lock the doors once we're out."

"Heard ya loud 'n clear, Brigadier General!" Elicia said, giving Roy a salute.

With that, Roy and Ed hopped out of the car, the grasses and gravel below them crunching beneath their feet. It was almost dark and the headlights of the car cast an eerie glow on the scene before them. Both men hesitantly went around to the front of the car, feeling exposed in the open air. They simultaneously glanced over at the dark and tangled underbrush at the edge of the dead silent woodland beside them.

Roy and Ed looked at each other. And with wide eyes, they silently agreed, that yes, they were definitely being watched by something in those woods. However they puffed out their chests and they started walking toward the shrouded figure who stood before them as still as a statue.

Both men paused and jumped as the hitchhiker doubled over and began to... chuckle.

He was laughing at nothing at all. The voice was high and breathy and scratchy, and it swelled into a full on cackle that seemed to never end.

It was perfectly wicked.

And soon as it began, the cackle stopped, as if the man's neck had been broken by a hangman's noose.

Edward stood so close to Mustang, he was practically hugging him for comfort. He looked nothing less than terrified.

"What the actual fuck, Mustang... he did... he did the laugh..." he whimpered. "He did the psycho-killer-in-the-woods laugh..."

Roy looked down at the blond with amusement, continuing to walk forward.

"Scared, Fullmetal?" he asked with a smirk.

"No, but we need to turn around- we need to turn around now! I've gotten around enough to recognize the psycho-killer-in-the-woods laugh, I know what that laugh means!"

"Can we help you, sir?" Roy called to the shrouded figure.

"Don't talk to him!" Ed shouted.

"How else are we going to find out where he needs to go?"

Edward held onto Roy's shirt sleeve, staring at the stranger before them with eyes wide.

"Al and I used to hear that laugh sometimes when we were kids..." he said softly, "and Al would be like, 'Watch out brother. I think he has a thing for blonds. That guy might kidnap you and use you for sex.'"

"Alphonse wouldn't say something like that."

"My words, not his," Ed admitted, "But the point still stands..."

Edward went quiet as they stopped in front of the hitchhiker. The man had a dark trench coat over his shoulders and a backpack on his back, making him look two times bigger than he actually was. His face was wrinkled and his cheeks were shallow and as white as snow. His pale, warty scalp was bare except for three dread locks of oily black hair which hung over his beady black eyes and his long crooked nose which hooked at the end.

The man smelled of cigarette smoke and his entire body trembled as if he were cold.

...or high.

Looking unblinkingly at Roy and Ed, he smiled a crooked, yellow-toothed smile. When he spoke, his voice was gravelly and hoarse.

"Can I show you guys somethin'..." he asked shakily, slowly reaching a gnarled hand into his trench coat.

"We'll pass..." Roy squeaked weakly.

Roy had his arms wrapped around Edward and Edward had his arms wrapped around Roy. They holding onto each other for dear life.

"Yes, we'll pass, we're good!" Ed cried in a shrill voice.

The hitchhiker drew out what was in his trench coat.

And a scream of terror ripped through the air.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE'S GOT A GUN!" Edward exclaimed.

Roy rolled his eyes and let out a tired sigh. "Fullmetal, if you'd open your eyes and stop screaming, you'd see that isn't the case..."

Edward hesitantly opened his eyes and looked down at what the creepy hitchhiker was holding out to to them. He was showing them two photographs. However, the photographs weren't what surprised Edward. The hitchhiker has undergone an extreme, and almost unbelievable, transformation. Across his cheeks was a rosy red blush and pink anime hearts flew around in the air above him as he gushed over the photographs of his darling wife and daughter.

His voice still made it sound as if he had gargled with rocks, but it was now overflowing with blatant affection.

"These are pictures of my wife and my daughter!" the hitchhiker said happily. "I love them both with everything I have! They're angels, absolute angels that descended upon the earth! They're a blessing! My daughter's going to be four in August! Oh, she's a treasure!"

Looking down at the photos, Edward narrowed his eyes and scratched his chin. "Your daughter actually looks... normal. Must get all of her looks from her mother then..."

Roy nudged Edward in the side with his elbow, but the hitchhiker took the statement as a compliment and began to sparkle in the classic Alex Louis Armstrong way.

Roy and Ed exchanged looks.

"WE NEED TO TAKE HIM WITH US," they stated simultaneously.

With a bright smile, the hitchhiker looked at them and put his hands to his hollow cheeks. "Aw, I have to say, you two boys make a beautiful couple!" he gushed.

"I know, right?!" Roy said with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.

"WE AREN'T A COUPLE!" Ed spat, before turning around and stomping back to the car. "Come on, bastard, let's get a move on and keep driving without 'im..."

Edward's suggestion was ignored. The hitchhiker was brought back to the car and Edward exchanged places with Elicia so that she wouldn't have to sit alone in the back seat with a stranger. The hitchhiker yabbered on about his daughter, Angelica, the entire two hour drive to the gas station which was set across the street from the motel that Roy had booked a couple days previously.

By that time, it was pitch black out, yet the gas station parking lot was filled with parked cars and shady loiterers for reasons currently unbeknownst to Ed and Roy. They shook it off and Elicia waved the hitchhiker goodbye as he hopped another ride.

There was a convenience store attached to the gas station, and Alicia complained about being hungry.

Roy reached for his wallet. And that was when he realized that something was terribly horribly not good at all. "Do you have your wallet?" he suddenly questioned Edward who was still in the back seat. "Oh please tell me you have your wallet..."

Ed reached down to where he knew his wallet was. "Of course I have my-" Ed paused. "You don't have your wallet either, do you, Mustang?"

Roy went silent. Edward closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

"What?!" Elicia cried worriedly. "What is it; what's wrong?!"

"We've been robbed, Elicia," Roy stated. "We didn't even see the guy take our wallets..."

"That's horrible!" the girl cried. "I can't believe that sweet man did that to you!"

Edward groaned and ran his hands over his hair. "Life lesson, Elicia- you can't always trust people. They seem nice, but then it turns out that they just want to fuck you over."

"How wonderful..." Elicia said sarcastically. "Now what are we gonna do, Edo?"

"Well now we don't have any money for food, water, gas, or any motel rooms that we may need to stay in. There and back is a fourteen day long trip, and I don't think that we can survive that long on the lint in our pockets. So we need turn around."

"We can't turn back," Roy said quickly.

"Why the fuck not?!" Ed exclaimed.

"It's..."

"It's what?"

"It's my father," Roy stated softly.

"THAT HITCHHIKER WAS YOUR FATHER?!" Ed and Alicia yelled with disbelief.

"No, of course not! My father's the owner. He's the owner and creator of the roadside attraction "The Smallest Transmutation Circle Ever Drawn"... although it's arguably the smallest one ever made. Anyway, that's why I knew about it in the first place. I've never been to his museum though..."

Edward blinked with confusion. "I... I didn't know you had a father."

Alicia rolled her eyes. "Uncle Roy had to be born somehow..." she muttered.

"Well, I haven't heard of him until now. You never talk about your family, Roy, and I've never heard you talk about father before. How come?"

"Because he's a jerk," Roy replied. "I'd think you'd understand. But... well, he's a dying jerk... and it's important that I see him as soon as possible. This might be the last chance I get. It's an eight hour drive back home from here and I'm worried that we'll be too late. I don't think he has that much time."

A heavy silence fell upon the occupants of the car. Elicia eventually turned around in her seat and looked back at Ed.

"Edo?" she called softly to the shadowy form in the back seat of the car. She looked at Ed, her face calm, but her eyes pained. "We can't turn back. Just let him see his daddy. Please."

Edward's mouth stayed shut. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened his car door. "Alright. Wait here in the car with the kid, city boy."

"Why am I the one waiting in the car? And what are you doing?" Roy asked.

Ed hopped out of the car and went to Roy's window. "I'm gonna talk to those creepy guys leaning against their cars in the parking lot underneath that flickering street light. I'll see if I can work something out."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. But they're hicks- I can smell it. They don't speak regular Amestrian, Mustang, they speak hick. And you don't speak hick like I do, so leave this one to me."

Edward turned and walked away. Roy stared at Edward's back. He had to admit that Ed's little speech sort of turned him on.

Both Roy and Elicia watched from the car as Ed went up to the strangers and talked with them, their voices inaudible. Two or three minutes later, Ed came sauntering back to the car with his hands in his pockets, once again placing himself in front of the driver's side window.

"Status report," Roy commanded.

"Well, we're in luck. They're organizing a freeway race and they're racing for money. I signed us up."

"How is that lucky?! That's illegal, you know that, right? Not to mention extremely dangerous!"

"What's freeway racing?" Elicia asked innocently.

"It's another name for drag racing or street racing" Ed explained. "Illegally racing on the highway, dodging in and out of traffic like an idiot. Stuff like that."

Roy's brow furrowed. "I'm not driving in a drag race, Ed. It's dangerous and we could kill ourselves or someone else, and besides, if we get caught and taken in by the police, I could lose my job."

Ed shifted his weight as if he were uncomfortable. "You aren't driving, bastard... I am," he said with a frown.

"Yes, my dad is on his deathbed and I want to see him, but I don't want you to put your life on the line for me, Fullmetal! This is crazy!"

"Yeah, this is a bit crazy, and I may be a bit crazy myself... but if you say that you need to get to Aerugo to see your dad... then we're going to fucking Aerugo. I'm going to make this right. We pre-booked that motel over there, so we'll stay there for the night. The race is first thing in the morning, so you can stay here with Elicia and wait for me to come back."

Roy crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back in his seat."Edward Elric is going to street race..." he said, testing to see if that statement felt alright rolling off of his tongue.

"What do you say, Uncle Roy?" Elicia asked with a playful smile. "You gonna let 'im do this?"

"It doesn't matter what he thinks," Ed stated with a determined look on his face. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do drag."

Elicia giggled slightly. "It sounds like you're referring to dressing up in drag!"

"Wouldn't be the first time," Ed replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there's any other fanfic out there where Ed talks to plants and participates in drag racing.


	5. P.S. I Love You

Ed, Roy, and Elicia finally made it to their motel room and they all let out a collective sigh of relief as they dropped their bags on the carpeted floor. Roy sat down on one of the two beds and Elicia went to the corner of the room to pull out the sofa bed. Ed however still stood at the doorway, looking down at the fake succulent that 'grew' in a plastic pot on the floor.

He and the plastic plant seemed to be having a staring contest.

"Ed, what is it?" Roy asked, narrowing his eyes.

Edward blinked and continued to look down at the plant as if it had four eyes. "I need this plant to be removed from my presence," he said quickly.

"Why? What's it doing to you?"

"Nothing, but it can't be here..." he stated quickly, bending down and taking the pot in his arms. "I need to take it outside. Excuse me."

And with that, Edward went out the door.

Roy slowly turned to Elicia. "What the fuck is his deal?" he mouthed.

Without a word, Elicia happily skipped across the room and hopped onto the middle of Edward's bed, her buttercream colored skirt covering her bare legs. Looking at Roy with a playful glint in her forest green eyes, she leaned forward, excited to tell Roy what was what.

Maes and Gracia were people that you could go up to and tell absolutely anything. And they wouldn't tell another soul. Well maybe Maes would tell someone, but only if it were about something unimportant. Elicia was sweet, but she made it her business to know everyone else's business too. She took pride in that. And if it would benefit others, she was more than willing to share personal information with outside parties.

"Ed's hung up over his ex," she stated in a hushed tone. "They'd been dating on and off for about three years."

Roy subconsciously leaned forward slightly on his own bed, interested in what Elicia had to say. "I didn't know that he was in a relationship with anybody. And three years is a pretty good chunk of time..."

"His ex boyfriend, Russell, wanted to keep things under wraps. He wasn't as open about his sexuality as Edo was. Anyway, Russ was into botany and plant based alchemy. He gave Ed all of the potted plants in his apartment which my mom is taking care of while we're away. Edo named all of them by the way, and he has conversations with them on a regular basis..."

"Freaky... But now everything suddenly becomes clear, although it's still a bit far out there."

"Yeah, well Ed and Russell apparently got into a big fight. I don't know who left who or who started it, but Ed's still waiting for Russell to come back for him."

"Which apparently isn't happening," Roy surmised. "So... what about this Russell guy? Was he a looker?"

"Yeah, I guess..." Elicia sang, "He was nice looking enough."

"How old was he?"

"He's a year younger than Edo, so he's twenty five. And he's not going prematurely gray like you are," she added.

"I'm going prematurely gray?!" Roy exclaimed with horror.

"Yeah, you are. A little bit on the top, poor thing... But you don't have to worry. My mom said that Russ wasn't good for Edo at all, though it did seem like Edo liked him for some reason."

Roy frowned. If a sweet person like Gracia didn't like the guy and voiced her opinion... well, something was definitely wrong.

"I know it's not my place to ask..." Roy began to say, "but why doesn't your mom like Russell?"

Elicia's smile quickly faded and her countenance grew solemn. She turned her head slightly, avoiding Roy's gaze. 

Roy's eyes softened and welled with worry. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..." he said.

"Because Russell hit him," the girl replied timidly.

Roy's eyes widened. "...he what?"

Roy thought he was going to be sick. Even the thought of someone hurting Ed made his stomach turn.

"I know all of this because Edo came to our apartment in the middle of the night with a black eye and bruised ribs. Edo deserves a good person, and I think you're it. You deserve a good person too, Uncle Roy, so I'm with you all the way. I think that if-"

Both Roy and Elicia turned to the door as it was opened, and in stepped Edward who was no longer holding the potted plant. "I'm back," he announced tiredly. "The evil is defeated."

Elicia hurriedly jumped off of the bed and took her bag of toiletries out of her suitcase before rushing to the bathroom door

Elicia hurriedly jumped off of the bed and took her bag of toiletries out of her suitcase before rushing to the bathroom door. "I'm taking a shower and going right to sleep!" she announced as if that were the best thing in the world. "If I forget to tell you later; love you, Ed! Love you Roy! And remember to take your meds! Night!"

Roy and Edward minded their own business while Elicia took a shower. They then each took their turns in the bathroom before they both settled in their separate beds. Edward fell right asleep just as the lights were turned off, but Roy stayed awake. He watched the younger man's sleeping form buried beneath the covers, and he let Edward's gentle breath lull him into a peaceful sleep.

All three of them awoke at dawn when the sky was painted in soft, hazy, purple and pink pastels. The tiny dot of occupied land in the middle of the sprawling woodland was bustling with activity. Drivers and people who came to cheer them on milled around in the gas station parking lot in the early morning chill that nipped at their noses and seeped in through the seams in their clothes. 

Edward sat in the front seat of Roy's car which was set in park. He was waiting to be called out onto the road that was getting by the minute, and he looked to his right as Roy approached his side window which he rolled all the way down.

Roy stopped beside Ed and drew his dark trench coat closer around himself. The brigadier general who was usually calm and collected looked ever so slightly anxious.

"Hey Ed... before you go, I need to talk to you about something."

"Alright, but you've gotta make it quick..." Ed replied.

Roy subconsciously ran a hand over his raven hair. "When we talked outside of your apartment yesterday, you told me that you knew that I took a liking to someone at the office."

"You're still on that?" Ed interrupted. 

"Truth is, I like you," Roy said with a straight face. "As more than a friend."

Edward didn't even blink. "No shit," he said bluntly, though there was no malice in his voice- just understanding. "Continue."

"But you thought that because I couldn't get anywhere with some other guy, I was going for you because you're easy seconds, but that just isn't true. There's no one else, so..."

Roy paused. Edward sat perfectly still as the raven haired man brought his face up to the open window. Placing his folded arms on the windowsill, he silently studied Edward's face.

"Hey. What's that over there?" Roy asked, nodding his head to the front window.

"What's what?"

As soon as Edward turned his head, Roy leaned forward through the car window and quickly gave the blond a light kiss on the cheek. Edward sat frozen as Roy slowly drew away.

"That's just some food for thought," Roy said softly, backing away from the car. "Now go win a race, Fullmetal."

With that, Roy turned and walked away from the car. Wide eyed, Edward hesitantly brought his fingers to the spot on the cheek that Roy's lips had touched. He fingered that spot with a touch as light as a feather, as if he thought that doing otherwise would brush the kiss away.

Then, Edward quickly scrambled out of his seat and angrily stuck half of his body out of the open window so he could shout at the figure that was walking away.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT?!" Ed yelled. "YOU'RE A JACKASS, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT!?"

Roy didn't turn around, or even stop walking, but he did call back to the angry blond.

"Did you want something more? Were you disappointed?!" Roy shouted over his shoulder with a smirk.

"No, I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with you! I'm not falling for your sappy crap! YOU HEAR ME?!"

Roy chuckled softly. "Yeah, yeah, just shut up, drive, and try not to get arrested, half pint!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like it when you go downstairs to eat breakfast and then you immediately get lectured about your life choices and then you just smile and turn on your heels and walk right back up those stairs and continue to write fanfiction. Anyway, it's time to write the race scene. This is gonna be "fun" and by fun, I mean not fun at all for me, but fun for you.


	6. Five

Ed was in Roy's car, waiting at a traffic light. You know the one. The longest traffic light ever created. You age ten years before the light changes, and when you finally get back home, your own family doesn't even recognize you.

When Ed and Al were little and they would race by foot to the end of the lane and back. Someone would shout " Ready? Set? Go!" and they would take off running as fast as their legs would carry them. 

That wasn't the case here. The go signal would be the traffic light turning from bright red to neon green. Edward gripped the wheel tighter in his hands. His palms were sweaty and that only added to his anxiety about losing his hold on the wheel and spinning out of control; hell, he hated cars. Why do you think he opted for taking the train everywhere?!

"Idiot..." he said under his breath. "I'm a motherfucking idiot." Shaking his shoulders from side to side, he imitated his own voice from a day ago. "If you say that you need to get to Aerugo to see your dad, then we're going to fucking Aerugo! Right, Ed. Great idea, just great..."

With a scowl, he looked around for the other racers who were mixed in with everyday drivers traveling or on their way to work. There was one guy to his left. One behind a large pickup truck. That was two. There was one in the lane to his right and another guy behind him- that was four.

And number five?

Ed looked in his mirrors, scanning the cars around him.

He didn't know where number five was. He didn't know who number five was either. He settled back in his seat and looked up at the traffic light once more, the straightaway before him staring him down.

Edward Elric would always remember the first time he got behind the wheel.

It was in Resembool. He was only ten years old when he decided to hop in a friend's tractor and take it for a spin. Not knowing where the breaks were, and physically unable to reach them in the first place, he drove the tractor into a barn. Not through the doors of a barn, but through the wall of a barn. Ed ran out of the tractor just before a wall collapsed and a spark and a puddle of motor oil sent the barn up in a raging inferno that was seen for miles around.

The local kids came and made s'mores.

And that was young Edward's very first scrape with death.

If that wasn't bad, six dairy cows burned to death that day and their mooing of agony could be heard for hours. With the weight of that guilt, Ed couldn't even think about drinking milk ever again. Before he disliked milk. After that, he hated it with a passion.

As if to taunt him, people came from all around had a barbeque the day after. And the meat tasted pretty damn good. Ed however wasn't in the mood to have more than a single bite of steak.

He was a murderer.

He found himself set before Winry's grandmother- the old hag. Ed talked, and the entire time, she was quiet. Real quiet. And after Edward finished explaining the details of his murdering ways, she took a long drag from her pipe, taking her sweet old time before saying what she thought about the whole matter.

Edward bowed his head and held his breath, waiting for Pinako to speak. He lifted his remorseful golden eyes just as she blew to large smoke rings over his head like a halo, though an angel was the exact opposite of what he was.

"Well, Edward..." the hag eventually said.

"Yes Granny Pinako?" his ten year old self answered timidly.

Edward nervously tapped one finger against the steering wheel, the sound soft and fluttering anxiously like the wings of the butterflies that grazed the walls of his stomach and made his feel queasy. His foot twitched on the brake pedal, ready to hit the accelerator like a runner taking that first stride after the gun is fired.

Ed took shallow, shaky breaths and the air grew thinner with each passing second that the traffic light stayed that same glowing red color.

"...this is what you get for being a dumb-ass."

Green.

Edward stomped on the gas and the sound of his rapidly beating heart was drowned out by the shrill scream of rubber against pavement. The action of the car lurching forward was so sudden that Ed thought that the car was taking off without him. His back was pressed hard against the seat and the world sped by. He was going fifty, fifty five, sixty, seventy, eighty miles per hour, breaking barrier past ninety, going faster than he was comfortable with, grazing the triple digits. Looking in his side mirror, he saw that he always no longer alone.

The car was vibrating and shaking all around him, resisting the speed at which it was moving.

Car number two had pulled up around car number one and rode up uncomfortably close to Ed's left, riding just over the broken white line. Car number two was gaining. Two was gaining and then the driver let up on the gas, crawling just in Ed's blind spot, disappearing at the corner of his eye when in came car one which went zipping by in a red streak, suddenly jumping in front of Ed and causing him to step on the breaks in fear of a collision.

In his panic, Ed's car swerved into the lane on the far right and just before he collected himself, he subconsciously stepped on the gas once again, holding on tight as the road suddenly dipped and the car went airborne for just a a second before tires met pavement once again and Ed frantically turned the wheel hand over hand, riding the turn in the road and hugging the curve, car number two following at his side like a shadow.

The road straightened.

Car one, the red streak, was in the lead. Ed was gaining. Ed was riding on his tail, the front of his car inches away from car one's bumper, and glancing up at his rearview mirror, he saw a new player, car four, doing exactly the same to him and boxing him in between the two cars as the mysterious car number five raced past of all of them, narrowly squeezing behind two tractor trailers.

Baring his teeth, Ed quickly wrenched the wheel to the right, nicking the side of the car in front of him. The force pushed the two cars in opposite directions, but Ed quickly gained control, swerving back to the left and avoiding a motorcyclist. After that, the road merged into two lanes and number five was in the lead. Ed was in second, making a tight arch around a pickup, and driving on the shoulder of the road just where the asphalt ended and the forest floor began. For the first time in a long while, Ed felt in control, and at a speed of 104 miles per hour, he was gaining. Number five was still in sight and numbers one to four had been left in the dust.

They hit a wide curve to the right, and disappearing around the corner, Ed rode up right beside five, only to have five speed up, trying to pass him and jump in front. Again Ed gained. Five fell back. Ed gained. Neck to neck they rode and tires screamed as they made a sharp turn to the right, sending Ed into another sudden panic as the car turned to the side and began to drift.

Five fell back.

Ed had taken the curve too wide; he had taken the curve to fast, but he didn't even register it. His mind went blank when he realized that the car was taking him where he didn't want to go. His head violently slammed into his driver side window as the car made a sharp arc around over the broken white line, headed directly into the path of the other driver. Ed may not have known what was going on, but in that split moment when he was hurtling toward car number five, he caught a glimpse of car number five's driver.

"...Tringham."

Two months ago, Edward was on his hands and knees on the carpeted floor of his home. With his breathing shallow and his left eye swollen, he sat down, raised a trembling hand, and wiped blood away from the corner of his mouth before looking up at his lover who stood above him with his arms crossed, his gray eyes glassy with the swimming effect of alcohol.

Despite his own condition, Edward looked up at him with a stern face and determined eyes.

"I said don't touch me, Russell. Not like this. Please."

Russell threw Ed a smirk. He reeled back one foot, prepared to strike.

And impact.


	7. If I Were a Watermelon

Elicia and Roy sat side by side on the curb in front of the gas station, waiting for Ed to take the regularly paced trip back from the finish line. Roy had draped his coat over Elicia's shoulders and the girl sat with her chin in the palms of her hands. She and her godfather, whom she lovingly called her uncle, silently listened to the birds singing in trees and the occasional opening and closing of the convenience store doors.

They sat slightly apart, but their thoughts drifted to the same exact person.

"I forgot to tell Edo that I loved him this morning," Elicia suddenly stated. "My mom says that you should take every chance you get to tell people that you love them, because you never know when it'll be time for them to leave."

Roy looked at Elicia and forced a small smile upon his lips. "He's coming back. He really is, so you don't need to worry."

Elicia continued to stare straight ahead. She sleepily blinked her eyes. "I don't really remember my dad," she said suddenly. "I sort of remember things from photographs though. But when he was alive... what did you and him like to do together?"

Roy bowed his head slightly and thought for a moment. "Well... sometimes we did pretty much the same thing we're doing now."

"You used to sit around and wait for good things to happen?" Elicia questioned.

 

Sometime many years ago, two young men in blue, wearing tan cloaks over their shoulders, sat side by side on a desert ridge, silently watching as dust was kicked up across the vacant landscape below. Every once in a while, the exchange of gunfire broke the air.

Somewhere else, and at some other time, a man with pale, wrinkled skin, snow white hair, and obsidian eyes sat up in his hospital bed. He was alone with the sunlight that poured in through the crack in the drawn hospital curtains that hung in the window. And he waited for his son to visit him.

Two months previously, Edward sat cut and bloody on his bedroom floor, waiting for the man standing above him to lend a hand instead of yet another crippling blow to his face.

 

"Well... yeah," Roy answered quietly. "We sat around."

"And... did good things happen?" Elicia asked.

 

At some point, after waiting for nine long months, Maes Hughes was able to hold his darling daughter for the first time. And as he brought her close to his heart, the heavenly vision smiled, bringing a soft smile to his face also.

 

"Occasionally," Roy replied.

Elicia pushed her glasses further up on her nose. She slowly stood herself up and looked down the long stretch of highway. The wind toyed with her auburn hair as a smile spread across her face.

Roy also stood up upon spotting none other than the blue 1924 Chevrolet sedan. "See?! What did I tell you?"

"Occasionally."

Before they knew it, the car pulled into the parking lot and Ed honked its horn, waving to Elicia with a bright smile. As soon as Ed parked, he hopped out of the car and Elicia came running into his arms.

Roy in the meantime gaped at the car's cracked driver's side window and the massive dent in the car's side. One door was almost hanging off of its hinges.

"Ed, what is that? What is that in the side of my car?!"

"What does it look like? It's a dent," Ed said calmly, drawing away from Elicia's embrace. "Also known as a badge of honor. I hit a rough spot back there, but look at me- I lived to tell the tale. Well, come on, Roy. Pack up your stuff and put it in the trunk, we're heading out and having breakfast at Denny's."

"With what money?"

With a smug smile, Edward reached into his pant pocket.

Roy's mouth fell open. "Don't tell me you actually-"

Walking up to Roy, Ed waved a large stack of bills in the man's face. "Smell those Benjamins!" he said in a sing-song voice. "You are looking at the winner of the illicit Eastern Amestrian Grand Prix!"

An hour and a half later, Roy and Ed sat across from each other at a roadside Denny's. Elicia had taken a wrapped peppermint from the reservation desk and then said that she had to go to the restroom.

When a waiter came over, Ed ordered her an orange juice. The waiter jotted down his order and then looked from Ed to Mustang, to Ed to Mustang, and back to Ed again.

A smile spread across the waiter's face. "You two make a beautiful co-"

"If you value your life, you won't finish that sentence," Ed said coolly, glaring at the waiter. "Go ahead. Say it..."

With a fearful look in his eyes, the waiter spun on his heels and began to walk away. "...I'll get you that orange juice..."

"Good choice."

Edward then picked up his menu and studied it with a pensive frown. "Go on, Mustang," he said from behind his menu in a rather monotone voice. "Order anything and everything you want. I'll treat you like my milk, girl, I'll spoil you."

Edward didn't even look up as Mustang began to choke on the water he was drinking. He set his cup down and began to pat a fist to his chest.

"Don't choke to death, Mustang," Ed said tiredly, trying to decide between the spinach mushroom and bacon and cheese omelet, "because I ain't gonna try to bring you back. Been there, done that..."

Mustang's coughing eventually subsided and he tiredly ran a hand over his hair. He watched as Ed set his menu down. His face was serious, but there was a playful spark in his eye.

"If you smile, you lose," Ed said suddenly. "One, two, three! Food pick-up lines. Go!"

Roy said nothing. He only blinked with confusion.

"What? You're too old and gray and unhappy about your car to have a battle of food related pick-up lines?! Come on! Think of one, old man!" Edward said animatedly.

Roy frowned and blinked several more times before he slowly looked to his left and then looked to his right as if he were trying to see if anyone could be listening in. He then looked back at Edward with a stern expression on his face.

"If I were a watermelon..." Roy said calmly, "...would you spit or swallow my seed?"

Edward hummed softly and nodded his head to the side. "Hm. Not very creative, but an interesting one to begin with. Imma start with something more subtle. So... do you like strawberries or blueberries? Cause I need to know what kind of pancakes to order you in the morning."

Roy crossed his arms in front of his chest and sat back in his seat. "Weak. But boy, you should sell hot dogs. Because you already know how to make a weiner stand."

"Also pretty bad. Hey Mustang..."

Edward leaned over the table slightly with a determined look in his eyes. "Your legs are like peanut butter. Smooth... creamy... and easy to spread," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Roy bit his lower lip. A second later, he shook his head and smiled slightly. "Damn..."

"I made you laugh," Ed said, taking a sip from his glass of water with a smile.

"No you didn't," Roy said, shaking his head, still smiling.

"Yeah, I..."

Edward paused and his suddenly face turned pale as a sheet. He slowly stood from his chair and stared at another blond haired young man who was sitting alone a few tables over. "Dear god, he's following me..." Ed said breathlessly.

"What? Who?" Roy asked with concern.

It was then that a loud thud was heard across the room. Both Roy and Ed turned their heads to the scrape of chair legs against the floor. A glass tipped over the edge of the table and shattered upon the ground, the sound ringing through the establishment. Concerned and worried voices were heard.

"What happened?!" a stranger exclaimed.

"She just fell..." said another, "Someone find her parents!"

Without a word, Roy hurriedly stood and ran across the restaurant to the aisle of booths where a small crowd was gathered. Ed followed close behind with Russell Tringham long forgotten. Roy pushed through the crowd to the spot on the floor where Maes' daughter had fallen. Dropping down to his knees and lifting the girl's unconscious form in his arms, he quickly felt for a pulse and then put the back of a hand beneath her nose, feeling a shallow breath.

"Elicia?!" he called shaking her shoulders gently. He frantically put a hand a hand to one flushed cheek. "Hey! Hey, look at me!"

"Somebody call an ambulance," Edward said loudly, dropping to Roy's side. "Shit, is something caught in her throat?" Ed asked.

"No, no, she just got here, she didn't eat anything!" Roy answered.

A waitress came over, willing to help. "Does your daughter have any food allergies?" she asked quickly.

Roy didn't even bother to correct her. "Not that I can think of."

Roy continued to hold the girl in his arms until the paramedics arrived with a stretcher. Only one person could ride in the ambulance with Elicia and Ed made sure that that person was Roy. With his hands on his head and tears threatening to fall from his golden eyes, he watched as the ambulance sped away with a siren blaring and lights flashing in the early morning air. Biting his lower lip, he drew his hands over his face and let out a long, ragged breath.

He looked to his right just as Russell began to approach him.


	8. A Sadist, a Potato Sack, and the Return of Eliza J. Hennessy

As soon as he spotted Russell, Edward rushed off in the opposite direction, headed across the parking lot toward Roy's car with the keys in hand. He heard footsteps behind him, and just as he was about to unlock the car door, a hand grabbed onto his wrist and he dropped his keys on the pavement. 

The hand's warmth, size, and the unique roughness of its skin was all so familiar. Edward froze in a combination of shock and fear, but the sensation lasted for only a moment. Ed then whipped around, wrenching his hand free. He faced his pursuer who stood in close proximity, his back almost touching the stranger's car in the next parking space over. Both Russell and Ed were wedged in the space between the two cars.

Edward scowled.

"Leave me alone, Russell, I need to get to the hospital. A sick little girl will be wondering where I am when she wakes up, but first of all, I'd like to know what the fuck you did to send her there in the first place!"

"Whatever do you mean?" Russell replied coyly. He tucked a lock of platinum blond hair behind one ear before a shadow of a smirk touched his lips. As he brought his hand back down to his side, his ring, in which was encrusted a red stone, glinted in the mid morning sunlight.

Edward angrily balled up his fists and bared his teeth. "You show up and then my best friend's goddaughter ends up unconscious on the floor! Every time you get up to shit, I think that you learn your lesson and I forgive you, but you turn right back around again and do something like this!" Ed said loudly.

Russell stayed calm, and the look in his eyes was surprisingly pained, but plainly fake.

"I'm not the villain that you cut me out for," Russell said loudly, "I came over to see if you were alright! I didn't even touch the girl- I didn't even know that she was with you. I thought that she was here with her mother. And you saw me- I was sitting right there when it happened, so I have no idea why you would make assumptions like that after having known me for so long. It hurts me."

Edward let out a strangled cry of surprise as Russell suddenly came forward and pushed Ed back hard against Mustang's car door. Grasping Ed's wrists hard, Russell pinned Ed's hands down and shoved one knee between Ed's legs so that he could get closer, their faces mere inches away from another.

Edward's breathing was heavy and ragged as he silently studied Russell's icy blue eyes. He had been put in this position many times before. And he didn't like it one bit. 

But he loved it at the same time. 

With a small, condescending smile, Russell took one hand away from Edward's wrists and pushed it up over the heated skin of Edward's neck before cupping Ed's cheek and lifting his face upward. 

"...and you know what it means when I get hurt," Russell whispered. "It means that you need to be punished."

 _"Punish me, Tringham Senpai!"_ the author then squealed in a high-pitched voice from behind her computer screen.  _"Punish me!"_

But to her dismay, Russell ignored her. 

Russell drew Edward into a hungry kiss, and sure enough, Edward closed his eyes and kissed him back, practically melting beneath Russell's touch which had taken his breath away in the first place. Hands wove themselves into Edward's golden hair as Tringham sucked and gently tugged on Edward's lower lip before covering his mouth once more with purpose, drawing out a soft, but audible, moan from Edward which shifted into a low whine as Russell drew his lips away, just as ungracefully as they had come.

Leaning his head back against Roy's cracked car window, Edward bit his lower lip and shut his eyes tight, chastising himself for his actions. 

"Dammit..." he muttered.

Russell casually wiped the back of a hand over his lips, before running the same hand over his hair. A smirk returned to his lips. "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Equivalent exchange."

"A kiss usually isn't a punishment, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a damn sadist," Ed whispered caustically. 

"Doesn't change the fact that you kissed me back," Russell retorted, tilting his head to the side and putting the palms of hands on the car at either side of Edward's head.

"You're following me," Ed stated shakily. "No, you're not just following me... you're stalking me. Why have you got to be so goddamn obsessive?"

"I was following you because I wanted to talk you, Edward. I wanted to apologize for last time when things went bad, and I wanted to talk to you in private. But then what happens? I see you miles away from home, eating out with some guy who's old enough to be your father."

"He isn't old, he's forty," Ed said with a frown, shaking his head slightly with disbelief at Russell's nerve. "And he isn't just some guy; he's my best friend. You should remember that."

Ed stooped down and picked up his keys.

"What are you doing with him?" Russell asked quickly.

Edward stood up and opened the car door, causing Russell to step out of the way. 

"It's none of your damn business. So excuse me."

To Edward's surprise, Russell let him go without putting up a fuss. The blue eyed blond stepped out of the way as Ed pulled out of the parking space and rolled out of the parking lot and onto the open road. Looking in his rearview mirror, Ed saw the dark form still standing there, growing smaller and smaller as he drove away. Tringham was way behind him now, but with every mile, the uneasiness that came with the thought of him weighed heavily on Edward's shoulders. 

Russell knew exactly where Edward was going. And there was nothing in this world stopping him from following if he so pleased.

About fifteen minutes later, Edward pulled into a visitor's parking space for the hospital. Being the only hospital for miles around, the white three story building wasn't exactly big, but it was fair in size. The parking lot was filled by at least seventy cars, and as Edward hopped out of his own car, he watched as two ambulances pulled in through the ambulance entrance and gurneys were hurriedly drawn out. His heart wrenched at the thought of the same thing happening to Elicia only a short while ago. 

With a mind dizzy with worry, Edward hurried across the parking lot, not noticing as three people decked in plain, white, loosely fitting garments, hopped out of a plain white van and quickly followed after him. A teenage boy in white ran forward and cut Edward off, stopping him in his tracks. Ed winched as the sunlight bounced off of the teen's clothes and off of the cars and stung his eyes.

"Excuse me, Mister, but are you Mr. Edward Elric?!" the acne ridden teen asked hurriedly.

Edward blinked his eyes quickly and put up a hand to shade his eyes. "Yeah, and who wants to know?"

A middle aged woman in a long white skirt came up beside the teen. Smiling brightly, she put a hand on the teen's shoulder. "It's him, isn't it?!" she said, shooting an uncomfortably wide smile toward Edward. "We've found him after all this time..." she said dreamily. "Edward, we need you to come with us!"

"...why?"

"Because you are chosen."

Edward narrowed his eyes. "I don't know what you're smokin' lady, but I have no idea who you are and I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I am so lost right now..."

...you know what? 

Sometimes you can be good. 

You can be real good.

But no matter how good you are, sometimes, you just don't see things coming. 

Your friend kisses you on the cheek, you almost die in a drag race, but then you live, and you go celebrate at Denny's and you think that everything's peachy, but then a member of your group passes out because, what you'll later figure out, is that they ate a peppermint that they got from the reservation desk at the Denny's.

And their throat closed up on them because they're highly allergic to peppermint.

And you can't go into the fucking hospital and figure that out at the moment because you're approached by two strange people in the parking lot who state that they've been looking for you, and just as you think, "Hey, this is really weird", the third guy with a face like a bulldog (and the intellect of a bulldog as well) comes at you from behind with a rag with chloroform on it and he puts it over your nose and your mouth, and you struggle and try to elbow him in the face, but he's so tall and so big that you elbow him in the man boob. You struggle and you try to shout and he hushes you quiet, and gradually, you become heavy and the world becomes foggy. And you're tied up in a minivan, out cold with a hot, dirty, old potato sack on your head.

Ed didn't see any of that coming. And he found comfort in the fact that he didn't think that anyone else saw it coming either.

When he came to, he was on his knees on a warped and wooden floor. His wrists and his ankles were tied together, and someone was holding the collar of his shirt so he wouldn't fall over. The potato sack was still over his head. He didn't know if anyone was listening, but still, he called out into the darkness before him.

"Where the fuck am I?! And who the fuck are you?!"

A smooth, silky, feminine voice answered him.

"We'd like to think of ourselves as an intentional community, living together in peace and celebrating our shared values of cooperation, nonviolence, and equality all under the guidance of the chosen one." 

"So you're basically a cult," Edward concluded. "I'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY A FUCKING CULT! WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS THIS FANFICTION GOING?!"

"We have two simple rules," the same woman stated. "Keep your heart open... and your mind pure." 

"I'm afraid I can't abide by those stifling restrictions..." 

It was after that weak comment that the scratchy potato sack was taken off of Edward's head. He groaned and blinked painfully in the white light that flooded over his face. His eyes adjusted and he finally focused on the woman sitting atop the stool in front of him.

And Ed recognized her. 

He had a photograph of her taped to the mirror on his wall in bedroom at home.

His eyes widened with surprise as he spoke in a breathless voice.

"...lesbian porn star Eliza J. Hennessy..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually been to Denny's. Denny's was founded in 1953 which means that it's twenty nine years too early for Denny's. And in the wrong universe. Unless their world is Denny-logically advanced.This is the most random RoyEd fanfic ever. But everything will come together. Though I did originally label this as a crack fic.


	9. F*ck, Marry, Kill

People say that when you join a cult, people are super nice at first, but then the brainwashing, sleep deprivation, child molestation, polygamy, and all that other fun jazz comes kicking in like a fast acting prescription drug that you shouldn't be under the influence of while driving or operating machinery. 

Either Edward's mind had been taken over by the cult leader, Eliza J. Hennessy, the moment he arrived on the gated compound yesterday... or things seemed to be pretty laid back after the initial incident with the chloroform in the hospital parking lot.

Ed had been brought to a rural gated community where people lived rather simply in their own simple semi-fucked up backcountry way. People lived in one story wooden houses which were all exactly identical. They washed up in a stream and all wore the same white, pristine clothes. They shared underwear, which was weird, but tolerable, and they allotted three hours every day to the worship of their fertility goddess who apparently guided them in all that they did. Armed guards patrolled the perimeter of the compound and had positions in the four surrounding search towers. Their job was to "protect the community from Satan", who can apparently be taken down by sub machine guns and manifests himself in the form of squirrels and local song birds.

Yeah, Ed had certainly thought about ditching the place, that is until he saw a squirrel try to scale the ten foot concrete wall. And just as it got to the top, it was shot in the head.

Hawkeye would be impressed.

But surprisingly, the squirrel lived. Ed found the poor guy bloody and twitching on the lawn like a fish on land or a dog having an epileptic seizure. The entire time Ed was carrying it back to the guest house, a shrill screeching came from the thing's throat like... Ed didn't even know what, but it sure was fucking annoying. The squirrel then went through three hours of invasive facial reconstruction which was performed by Ed in a bathroom sink using a penknife, a pair of tweezers, and a good old needle and thread.

The squirrel was a-okay except for a violent twitching in the left side of his face that came and went and occasional foaming at the mouth. But the whole event earned Edward kudos from the cult members who had abducted him under the pretense that because he had oddly colored hair and oddly colored eyes, that made him some sort of gift sent by their goddess. He was a gift send by their god with the purpose of saving this poor woodland creature.

Ed was trying not to let it go to his head.

But apparently, even gifts from heaven above have to do as the Romans do when they're in Rome.

According to Eliza J. Hennessy, "Everyone within the church who is of age must be married to another in order to form the sacred bond that completes them. People who are born into the church have marriages arranged for them at birth. But for newcomers, we have a different process."

Apparently, being single was an inexcusable sin. And so it was decided that whatever poor soul happened to stumble through the compound next would be Edward's betrothed no matter gender, age, or marital status, and they wouldn't be allowed to leave the compound just like everybody else. The process was simple and easy. But it could take months. Or weeks. Or days. And Ed had no fucking clue who he would be married to in the first place, that uncertainty can be a bit much for a guy to handle.

Hennessy was wandering her holy pastures when she spotted Edward sitting atop a split board fence, facing the iron gates of the compound that stood far off in the distance at the end of a dirt road. Ed had a faraway look in his exotically golden eyes, and Hennessy thought that the young man actually looked rather attractive in his long, white, Snuggie-like robes and the wreath of daisies that some of the younger girls had forced atop his head. Beside Edward sat the squirrel who chattered loudly like a person's teeth when forced to stand out in the freezing cold. The squirrel's entire body trembled and white frothy foam spilled out of its mouth and sluggishly dripped down its front.

Hennessy calmly walked over to Edward. 

The young man looked down at her calmly and blinked. "Oh. Hey, Eliza J. Hennessy. I'm... I'm a fan of your work."

"I know," Hennessy said with a small, but warm smile. "You've told me only about a thousand times. I'm surprised by how well you've assimilated into our church, Edward. May I sit down?"

"Anything for you, Eliza J. Hennessy," Ed said, scooting over.

Hennessy hopped up and took a seat beside the deranged squirrel. "So what's on your mind?"

She watched as Edward folded his hands in his lap and bowed his head slightly. She prepared herself to listen to a long speech.

"Well you said that the person I'm destined to be with will walk through those gates over there, which is a nice thought, don't get me wrong, but... um... well... there's these two guys. This one younger guy who I'm oddly attracted to... well not oddly attracted to; he's got nice hair, nice eyes, and a nice ass... but he's sort of a dick. But he's my dick. Not literally of course, but we've known each other since we were thirteen or fourteen?"

Ed pause and narrowed his eyes, trying to remember.

"Oh, I don't remember now. It's a long story, but we were going our separate ways and he slipped me a note last minute- he slipped it into a basket of lemons that was a gift that someone gave to me, and when I was riding on the train, I found that note. On one side it was a thank you letter. But on the other side, it was a love letter. I'd never gotten a love letter before- I was absolutely mortified."

"Did you write him back?" Hennessy asked.

"Yeah, we wrote back and forth for a long time. But we lost touch. We didn't meet up again until a few years ago."

"Did you meet up on the street or something?"

"No, it... it was at a funeral. His younger brother died in a train derailment and I suppose that being an elder brother myself... I was one of the few people who could understand what he was going through. But... Russell changed."

"As many people do."

"But not for the better. But I know... and I've seen... that he can be a good person. But then there's this other guy... and I used to hate his guts. But I eventually figured out that he's an idiot. And he's sweet on me. But I don't know if I'm good enough for him. And I once said that my dream was to get a lap dance from a certain someone, but... all I really want in life is for the two of us to be happy."

"Aw, that's cute," she commented, tilting her head to the side. "But it doesn't matter who you like better- whoever steps foot onto this holy ground shall be your betrothed. Unless you go for the second option..."

Ed shuddered at the thought of that rather unorthodox second option.

"You need to marry or else you put at risk the purity of your soul," Hennessy continued. 

Edward up at Hennessy with a scowl and sighed exaggeratedly. "Oh you really shouldn't meet your heroes... You know what I think about the matter, Eliza? I think that you're spouting bullshit! And I think that this is just some not well thought out plan by the author to accelerate the plot which has almost completely vanished within this mildly entertaining nonsense!"

Peeved by what Edward had said, Hennessy hopped off of the fence, prepared to walk away. However, she stopped when Edward called out to her.

"Wait, Eliza J. Hennessy! Before you go, could I... could I ask you a tiny teeny little favor?"

With him being a gift from god, and it being a tiny little favor, Hennessy turned back around and faced Edward who leaned over and whispered something in her ear. 

"You see... I'm a big fan of yours and I was wonder if you could maybe..." He leaned closer, and lowering his voice, he continued to speak. Eliza J. Hennessy then reeled back with disgust and awarded Edward with a slap across the face before stomping off. 

Holding his cheek which was currently on fire, Edward looked over at the iron gates as a figure stepped through them. Ed hopped off of the fence. "Come on, Roy! Let's go see who it is."

With that, the trembling squirrel fell off of the fence and landed on its face on the ground with a horrible thud. Roy the Squirrel's body convulsed slightly before it went up on its tiny paws and scampered after his owner, leaving a trail of foam of the dirt path behind him.

After getting a good look at exactly who it was who had come in through the iron gates and was now shuffling down the road, Edward out his hands to his head with dismay.

"FUCK!" 

Ed turned around and kicked the ground angrily. "FUCK NO! HOLY FUCK!"

Down the path came a man with a dark trench coat over his shoulders and a backpack on his back, making him look two times bigger than he actually was. His face was wrinkled and his cheeks were sallow and as white as snow. His pale, warty scalp was bare except for three dread locks of oily black hair which hung over his beady black eyes and his long crooked nose which hooked at the end.

Down the path came none other than the hitchhiker. 

"FUCK! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU WEREN'T THE FIRST ONE TO GET HERE! "

Edward paused upon hearing a familiar baritone voice speak from behind him.

"Actually Fullmetal... I got here about ten minutes ago. I just came in through the back door."

With tears welling in his eyes, Edward slapped two hands over his mouth. His heart swelled within his chest as he spun around. When Ed and Al were little, they would race by foot to the end of the lane and back. Someone would shout " Ready? Set? Go!" and they would take off running as fast as their legs would carry them.

And that's exactly what Ed did. He ran down the lane and leapt into Roy's arms. Right after, he scooped up Elicia who was standing right beside him. Ed happily spun the girl around in a circle, causing her to let out wonderfully bubbly laughter before she was set down and Ed embraced Roy once again.

"Oh Mustang, I was so afraid!" he wept.

"Fullmetal, did they do something to you?! Because if they did, I'll swear to god, I'll-"

Edward pulled away from Roy Mustang with a terrified look on his face. "Eliza J. Hennessy is a cult leader and she slapped me in the fucking face!"

"WHAT?!"

"And I'm currently under threat of being shot and I only have two choices to get out of it! Either me and my potential spouse, which I... well which I suppose is you... well we have to get married, or we have to go through with the second option!"

"WHAT'S THE SECOND OPTION?!"

"Circumcision! We both need to be circumcised without anesthesia!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

That exclamation earned Roy a quick slap across the face. "COME ON, MUSTANG! FOLLOW THE FUCKING STORY!"

Elicia tugged gently on Edward's gown to get his attention. "Um, Edo, what's circumcision?"

"We're gonna get part of our dicks cut off," Ed answered curtly, "Now Roy... lesbian porn star Eliza J. Hennessy's word is the word of God! And if she says we must be circumcised, married, or shot, like some fucked up real version of fuck, marry, or kill, we must be circumcised, married, or shot like some fucked up version of fuck, marry, or kill, Mustang! So which one?! Will you marry me or not?!"

"Sure," Roy said softly.

Edward shut his mouth and froze. In the silence that overcame them, Roy the Squirrel in all of his derpy foaming-out-the-mouth glory scampered over and stopped between them at their feet. With eyes going in two completely different directions, he stood up on his hind legs and let out a sound similar to that of a strangled pterodactyl.

The lovebirds had his approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-san doesn't know whether she's creative or just weird, oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I am so sorry- I'm crying. I'm gonna... I'm gonna go do my calculus homework now...
> 
> Here's a link to the pterodactyl noise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLgrIipmT9Q


	10. The Fine Print

Roy and Ed stood quietly in front of one another, both barefoot and decked in long, white cotton robes that were tied at the waist with deep red chords. A certain solemn serenity swirled in the air around them, as if the earth itself was holding its breath as Edward gently cradled Roy's wrist with one hand and used the other to slowly slide a golden band onto his ring finger. Afterward, Edward let go of Roy's hand and continued to look at his feet, his countenance withdrawn and his eyes avoiding Roy's gaze.

No words were exchanged- not a single sound had escaped from between their lips during the entire ceremony.

Roy turned slightly and took Edward's ring off of the pillow that the ring bearer, Elicia, was holding. Before turning back to Edward, Roy gave Elicia a half hearted smile and ruffled her hair with one hand. He then reached down and took Edward's hand in his and lifted it upward. Roy paused, looking thoughtfully at Edward's perfect fingers for a while before he looked up and onyx eyes met gold.

"Hey Fullmetal, if... look, I know that you don't want this..." Roy whispered. "And you're really unsure about it. So if you want, as soon as we get home... we can have the marriage annulled, and I'll be perfectly fine with that, really, I will. I just want you to be happy. But before we continue, I want you to know that I would never hurt you. Even if we aren't really in a relationship, I care about you and I would never cause you harm because you don't deserve that. Do you understand?"

He was answered by a silence.

"I understand," Edward eventually replied. "Thank you."

Roy smiled.

"And so for now... let's consider this a token of our very gay friendship."

"Ha, alright..."

With that, Edward watched as the ring was slipped onto his finger. Then with a frown, he angrily whipped around, turning to the face the congregation of three hundred people, armed with sub machine guns, who filled the seats and the aisles of the wooden church house that they were in.

Edward held his hand up high, showing off his ring. "LOOK AT THAT, FUCKERS, HE MARRIED ME! YA HAPPY NOW?!"

He was answered by the ear splitting sound of clapping and whoops and hollers of glee.

"I think they're happy!" Roy announced loudly above the noise.

"FUCK YOU!" Ed said the crowd, putting his hands on his hips. "FUCK YOU ALL..."

Directly afterward, everyone was herded into the main house at the other side of the compound.

Ed had to hand it to them, the cult members really knew how to throw a party. Damn, that was like the fifth best gay wedding forced by a fertility goddess worshiping cult ever to be held in that side of the country. Ever. 

Just about everybody got smashed. Hell, even Elicia and Roy the Squirrel got smashed... but that was because someone decided to spike the punch.

Deciding that it was best to keep their heads on straight, both Edward and Roy decided to have only a drink or two. Or three. Or four.

But there was food. And lots of it. And there was dancing- Ed didn't even get to dance with Roy, he was just linking arms with just about anybody and letting himself be taken along for the ride. There was a blur of clapping and singing and laughing and smiling and booze and foot-tapping, finger snapping, floorboard thumping music. Roy was an accomplished musician and that wasn't any surprise, but Ed got to hear him play the fiddle for the first time, and he and Elicia got to hold hands and dance around in circles to the Swallowtail Jig. 

Then there was more food and more booze and more dancing, and after a song came to a finish, Edward squinted, looking through the crowd at Roy who stood at the edge of the room, talking to Eliza J. Hennessy. There was a lot of hand movement and pointing in his direction, so Ed knew that they were arguing about something that had to do with him. Deciding to check it out, Edward pushed through the crowd and stopped beside Roy and the lesbian porn star/ cult leader.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Ed asked, looking from Hennessy to Roy.

Roy ran a hand over his raven hair and let out a tired sigh. "Hennessy says that the two of us will undergo punishment determined from above unless we go into that guest room behind us and consecrate the marriage in the next hour and a half."

"Huh?"

"She wants us to consecrate our marriage by having sex. With one another."

Edward paled. "Yeah, that's implied..."

"Look, I would be more than happy to screw Edward," Roy said to Hennessy, "but I don't wanna do it if he doesn't wanna be screwed! So just let the man be!"

Edward made a face as if offended. "Hey! When was it decided who would be screwing who?! If we did have sex, I would obviously top you..."

"No you wouldn't," Roy retorted.

"Yeah I would."

"No you wouldn't."

"Oh yeah I would!"

"No you wouldn't!"

"Yeah, you're right, I probably wouldn't. Not because I couldn't, but because you wouldn't let me. and arguing with you would be a waste of my time."

Hennessy groaned loudly, carding her long delicate porn star fingers through her wavy chocolate brown hair. "Oh shut up and get to it, boys! They'll be guards outside of your door and they'll be listening in to make sure that you're not screwing around in the metaphorical sense and not the literal one."

Roy wrinkled his nose. "Listening in? Geez, wouldn't that be considered voyeurism or something?"

"Shut up and let me let you fuck me, Roy," Edward said calmly, taking Roy's hand and dragging him into the bedroom.

"WHAT?!"

"You heard what I said."

A few minutes later, the sound of the rhythmic squeaking of mattress springs was heard from outside of the room as the guards armed with sub machine guns sat on the floor just outside of the door, playing a game of Old Maid, each of them trying hard not to reveal to the others how turned on they actually were by the sounds that were coming from inside the room. It was enough to send anyone over the edge.

One guard anxiously bit his lower lip as he heard the groaning of the mattress cease for just a moment. With a trembling hand, he set down a face card.

"..oh yes..." the blonde breathed heavily. "Harder... fuck me harder, Mustang... fuck me harder..."

Edward then let out a series of short, sporadic breaths. "Agh... ha...fuck me... like... you mean it..."

A sensual groan escaped from between Roy's lips, sending an aroused tingle trickling down the guard's spines.

The squeaking of the mattress springs was heard once again as Edward continued to move in the way he had been for the past eleven minutes, standing up on his feet and jumping up and down on the mattress, his head almost hitting the low ceiling on the way up. He came back down and bounced up again, twirling around in a circle while he was airborne. Mustang lay draped over the end of the bed with an arm over his eyes.

"COME ON, MUSTANG, DON'T STOP!" Ed shouted enthusiastically, "DON'T STOP!"

"Fullmetal, I'm tired...." Roy whined softly, "My legs feel like jelly..."

"YES... OH YES, RIGHT THERE!" Ed said, jumping higher, "GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT THERE! OH ROY, I THINK I'M GONNA-"

"Fullmetal, I'm going be honest here, I've fucked tons of people in my day, and it sure hasn't ever lasted more than ten or twelve minutes. But foreplay... of course, that can go on for hours."

"Then we're having really rough foreplay!" Ed said quietly with a frown, continuing to jump up and down, though at a slower pace. "COME ON MUSTANG, CUM FOR ME!"

"I think we've transcended the point of foreplay..." Roy stated.

"Okay then," Ed said, slowing down to a gentle bounce. A small, mischievous smile spread across his face. "Are you ready to have the most orgasmic orgasm of your life?!"

"Sure, whatever, let's just get this over with..."

With that, Edward bounded upward, and coming down, he kicked his legs up so he would fall on his behind. The force of him cannonballing onto the mattress made Roy's body lift up into the air, drawing a yelp out of Roy before he toppled off of the edge of the bed and fell onto the floor with a horrible thud.

"AGH!"

"Wow, that was fucking great..." Ed panting heavily and waving a hand in front of his face. He looked down at the man who was curled up in a ball on the floor, clutching his bruised head. "What about you, Roy? You done for the night?"

When Roy responded, his voice was shrill and pained. "...yeah, I think I'm done for the night..."

As Ed flopped back on top of the bed, Roy suddenly sat up. With the wild look in his eyes and his hair tousled about, he might as well been insane. Or just a bit tipsy. His face was lit up as if he had the plan of the century.

He used one hand to pat the mattress and get Ed's attention. "Hey, Ed! How many people attended our wedding?"

Ed sat up. "Everybody," he replied, narrowing his eyes. "What about it?"

"And how many people are drunk?" Roy questioned. 

"Just about everybody over the age of five. Except for us. Well maybe except for you, because I'm starting to doubt whether or not I'm actually drunk..."

"So..." Roy said, nodding his head and coaxing realization out of Edward.

"So we draw mustaches on everybody's faces while they're asleep?"

"No, this our time!" Roy said excitedly. "Under the cover of darkness, we're gonna break out!"

A smirk spread across Ed's face. "And we're gonna leave this shit-show in the dust, once and for all!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter was short, but I'm convinced that I just wrote the 72nd best RoyEd sex scene ever.
> 
> Here's the Swallowtail Jig: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZxAVUsuE4Y


	11. The Friction Will Be Too Much

There are all sorts of kinds of drunks.

There are happy drunks, sad drunks, stupid drunks, drunks who get drunk and then expose themselves in public, and then there are drunks that hit on anything and everything that moves.

Elicia was the former.

Edward, Roy, Elicia, and Roy the Squirrel hid under the light of the full moon with their backs pressed against the wall of an old barn. Two guards with flashlights wandered the open field that stood between them and the iron gates leading to freedom.

Elicia giggled slightly, hiccuped, and then squatted down before Roy the Squirrel who was currently in the middle of his tenth epileptic seizure of the night. The usual foamy froth that collected at his mouth and on the ground, and just everywhere... was absent.

Animals can sense these things before humans do- they know when danger lurks in the air. Being drunk, Elicia did not notice this sure sign that something would go horribly wrong. With a lopsided smile and unfocused eyes, she drunkenly tapped the squirrel's nose with her pointer finger.

"Are you Jason Derulo?" she questioned, "Cause you can talk dirty to me. You know... if we were both squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole..."

"ELICIA!" Edward cried in a slurred voice, swaying slightly as he spoke. "That was really dirty, young lady! High five!" he said happily, offering a hand.

With a smile, Elicia went in for the high five which ended up being a high zero considering the fact that both of them missed.

Roy tiredly drew his hands over his face. "Oh my gosh, this is hopeless... What the actual fuck is going on? I don't think that the author even knows what's going on- she hasn't updated the story in a month and a fucking half..."

Eyes wide with shock, Elicia pointed a finger at her uncle and looked at Ed. "Roy said the f word!" she complained.

In the blink of an eye, the back of Edward's hand collided with Roy's cheek. Roy then put a hand to his beet red skin and looked on at Edward with eyes glassy with tears.

"Roy, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Ed said loudly. "I'm disappointed! I am fucking disappointed by the fucking amount of fucking profanity that comes out of your fucking mouth, FUCKER!"

Roy sniffled, "I'm s-sorry..." he wept. "I'm s-so s-s-sorry..."

"When we get home, I fucking swear, I'm going to lay you over my fucking knee and beat your fucking ass with my bare fucking hand..." Ed growled.

"I VOLUNTEER!" Elicia shouted loudly, standing up on her feet and raising a hand. "I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!"

Edward looked at Roy with a hurt expression, but his gaze was intense. With a frown on his face, he shook his head. "It's gonna turn you on, Roy. It's gonna fucking turn you on..."

"R-Really?" Roy questioned weakly, wiping snot away from his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. "It's... it's really gonna turn me on?"

Speaking through clenched teeth, Edward continued to shake his head and he stared down Roy with great intensity. "Every time I beat that ass of yours, your dick is gonna rub against my thigh and the zipper of your pants, and the friction will be too much, Roy. The friction will be too much..."

"It'll be t-too much?" Roy sniffled.

"Too much," Ed clarified.

"Will I cum?" Roy questioned softly, looking at Edward expectantly.

Edward stood still, thinking the question over for a moment. He opened his mouth and then closed it. He narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth again.

"Not unless I tell you too," he concluded with a curt nod of the head. "Elicia, distract the guards with your womanly wiles."

"On it!" she chirped.

But before the womanly wiles could be put into action, Roy the Squirrel scurried out of their hiding place, letting out a pterodactyl-like battle cry that woke the dead from their graves as he launched himself at the first guard's face. Dropping the flashlight and gun that he was holding, the guard screamed a scream more animal than man as Roy the Squirrel bit and scratched at his face before chewing and ripping at flesh and muscle with his needle-like teeth in a raging drooling ball of foaming at the mouth fury.

This was it.

Roy the Squirrel would finally avenge the deaths of his wife and child.

This is for you, Becky.

...Elizabeth.

Papa loves you.

Crimson blood ran down the guard's face, pooling at the collar of his uniform as he continued to scream and flail about. Guard number two arrived just as guard number one's lifeless body fell to the ground, only to have his face also attacked by Roy the Squirrel who went straight for the eyes.

There were another three minutes of bloody terror before the guard fell, his face mauled beyond recognition. And from the shadow of death rose Roy the Squirrel, and with brown fur slick with the blood and eyeball fluid of his enemies, he clenched his fists and let out an almighty cry which rocked the earth.

"Well fuck..." Ed said, his nose wrinkled with disgust.

Edward then let out a sharp yelp as Roy took his hand and tugged him forward. Elicia followed close behind and together they ran across the dark, grassy field toward the gates in the distance. As they drew closer, a crack spilt the air, followed by another and another as the guards in the watchtower fired their guns in their direction. Edward felt the air around his left cheek move as a bullet pushed through it, just barely grazing his skin.

"Come on guys! Faster!" Elicia cried frantically.

Still pumping his arms and legs as fast as he could, Edward turned to Roy as a horrible thought came to mind- a factor that he hadn't thought about in his drunken stupor.

"The gates are locked!" he stated.

Roy looked at him with disbelief. "The gates are fucking locked and you didn't tell me! Aw god, Fullmetal, you idiot!"

"I'M AN IDIOT?! YOU'RE AN IDIOT, IDIOT!"

All three individuals came to a halt as a hailstorm of bullet lodged themselves into the ground before them. They were so close- the gates were less than ten feet away.

As soon as the hail of bullets came, the world was driven into a silence. Edward squinted as a pair of headlights were seen coming down the drive on the other side of the gate. Whoever it was, they were coming fast. They were coming fast and they weren't stopping. The guards in the watchtower shouted to one another and the individuals trying to escape the compound cowered as there was a loud crash. The front of the car went crashing through the gates, the windshield smashed into pieces and the gates themselves hanging on their hinges.

The broken headlights blinked off as the car skidded to a halt.

Everyone stood quiet as the driver's door opened, and out stepped a young man with platinum blond hair. A look of concern appeared on his face as he looked at Edward.

Edward's eyes widened.

"Russell!" he exclaimed with surprise, "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"What does it look like?" the other young man replied. "I'm here to save your ass."

"But... but how did you find us?! And Roy, how did you find me in the first place?!"

"Just gather up your friends and get in the car, Edward," Russell said quickly, motioning his head to the car. "How we found you isn't relevant to the plot. And besides, the author wants to wrap this up quick so she can drive home before her mother begins to worry about her, so come on and get in!"

Everyone ducked their heads as four or five more bullets were shot down at them, and if that wasn't a sign that they should get their butts inside, Ed didn't know what was. Everyone piled in, as a bullet lodged itself into the trunk of the car, but just before Edward closed his door, he realized that an important member of their group was missing.

"ROY THE SQUIRREL!"

"Roy the what?!" Russell exclaimed.

"My epileptic pet squirrel! I see him over there- he's coming- just wait a sec!"

"We're not waiting for your epileptic pet squirrel, Ed!" Russell exclaimed, looking at the blood-soaked squirrel who was scurrying over to the car.

Elicia reached over the seat, and with a drunken giggle, she stroked Russell's neck with one finger. Russell tensed awkwardly under her touch.

"My my..." she sang softly. "Boy, if you were a Transformer... your name would be Optimus Fine..."

Roy the Squirrel was only a few feet away. Ed stood right outside of his car door with open arms, and just as Roy the Squirrel was about to leap into them, a shot rang through the air, followed by the horrible scream of a strangled pterodactyl. A wail of anguish escaped from Edward's throat as Roy the Squirrel fell lifelessly to the ground.

"NOOOO!!!!!" Ed cried, with tears forming in his eyes, "OH GAWD, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! ...AW FUCKING HELL!!!"

Russell grabbed the back of Edward's shirt and roughly pulled him into the car, closed the door, and put the car in reverse, sending them shooting backwards through the broken gateway as a bullet smashed the back window, sending Elicia screaming and ducking down with her hands over her head. The car swung around in an arch and the Russell put it in drive, stepping down hard on the gas, causing wheels to screech upon pavement before they shot forward. Bullets whizzed all around, lodging themselves into the passenger side door, cracking the window before another lodged into the metal by the rear wheel, but as they drew further, the number of shots decreases, until they faded into nothing.

Once they got onto the highway, Russell called back to Roy and Elicia who sat silently in the back.

"Is everyone okay?" he questioned. "Mustang? Miss Elicia?"

"Yeah- yeah we're fine..." Roy said shakily. "Ed?"

Silence.

When Edward didn't acknowledge the question, Russell narrowed his eyes and took one off of the wheel, gently touching Edward's shoulder.

"Ed, are you-"

He paused as Edward let out an unusually shaky, shallow breath before sluggishly touching a hand to the side of his head. Roy and Russell looked on worriedly as with a pained whimper, Ed bent over at the waist, looking at a trembling hand slick with with blood.

Roy's heart twisted in his chest as he spotted a trail of blood dripping down Ed's unusually pale neck.

"Ed?!" Roy called worriedly. "Russell, pull over! Pull over now!"


	12. Dipshits, Incest, and the Genie in the Lamp

Russell quickly pulled the car over at the side of the road where the asphalt transformed into a dark, dense woodland. Before the car even came to a complete stop, Roy rushed out of the car and went around to open Edward's door.

In the backseat, Elicia held her breath and looked on with worry as Roy squatted down and hands cupped Edward's deathly pale cheeks. The older man's stomach turned as he glimpse at Edward's neck which was painted scarlet, but he pushed the nausea aside and gently turned Ed's head slightly so that he could look at the bloody bullet wound on the side of his head. The entire time, Edward sat still with fearful eyes, shivering though it wasn't cold. His quivering lips moved to form words, however, none came out.

"The bullet grazed him," Roy announced with a soft breath of relief, "but he's loosing a lot of blood."

Roy moved to slip an arm behind Edward's back so that he could lift him up and out of the car, but he was stopped short by Russell who closed the driver's side door and quickly made his way around the car.

"Stop, don't move 'im!" Russell said, hurriedly taking off the jacket he was wearing. "It's best to keep him were he is- head wounds are tricky. He needs to get to a hospital."

With those final words, Russell balled up the jacket and held it out to Roy. Not needing any further instruction, Roy took it and gently pressed the fabric to the blond's head, his heart wrenching in his chest as Edward's face contorted with pain and he let out a low whimper. Blinking back the tears that welled up in his eyes, Roy took a hold of Ed's right wrist and bought it upward so that it rested atop he balled up jacket.

Being the sympathetic crier that she was, Elicia gulped back a sob from her spot in the back of the dimly lit car and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her shirt. 

"I need you to hold this here, alright, babe?" Roy whispered softly, holding Edward's bloody trembling hand in place. "We're going to get help soon, just hang in there."

Edward's glassy eyes fluttered open, and letting out a couple of slow, shallow breaths, he gave Roy a slight nod of the head.

Roy smiled softly, but then froze when Russell suddenly grabbed his wrist, his grip hard enough to bruise. He followed Russell's icy blue eyes, falling upon the wedding ring that Edward has slipped onto his finger only a few hours ago.

"What the fuck is this?" Russel questioned in a low voice.

Roy let out a soft breath and onyx eyes slowly rose to meet blue. And within each set, there suddenly blazed a vengeance.

"It's a wedding ring," Roy replied, rising up to his feet.

Russel's mouth nearly dropped to the floor. "YOU _ELOPED_?!" he exclaimed with disbelief.

Roy crossed his arms in front of his chest, the stance almost making him seem larger than he really was. "Well it wasn't a legal marriage, but yeah. We eloped. You have a problem with that?"

"Yeah, I have a problem with that!" Russel snapped. "Edward belongs with someone his friggin age- not some middle aged pyromaniac with a skirt fetish and a god complex who's gonna die twenty years before he does! Ed's not an alchemist anymore- he needs somebody who can stay alive long enough to protect him!"

"Don't you dare!" Roy growled, putting one foot forward, "Don't you dare suggest that Ed is weak because he doesn't have his alchemy! Besides, he belongs with someone who actually cares about him- not some abusive stalker!"

"I save your lives and then accuse me of _abusing_ , Ed?! Remember, if not for my 'stalking', you guys would have been stuck in that weird as fuck Utopian cult until the day you died! If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here!"

"Look at him!"Roy shouted, motioning back to Edward who sat motionless in the car, "Look the fuck at him- he almost took a bullet to his fucking head, and what you're worried about is whether or not he's available to you! I love Edward, and we've been close for all of these years, while you just waltzed back into his life one day, broke his heart, and just... and just _dumped him out on the street!_ I will be there for Edward, I have _always_ been there for Edward, so what the fuck are you bringin' to the table, you motherfuckin' dipshit?!"

"Hey! Wanna say that to my _face_?!"

"I WOULD IF YOU HAD ONE, BUT ALL I SEE IS AN ASS WITH TWO EYES!"

"You better-"

Russell stopped mid sentence when he saw Roy's expression change from anger to a soldier's attentiveness. The older man was listening for something farther off in the deep, dark wood- something that Russell could just barely make out.

"Is that ambulance siren?" Russell questioned. "We didn't call anybody..."

Roy narrowed his eyes with confusion and looked farther down the dirt road. "Sounds like an ambulance siren... but it isn't. Too quiet. However, this is a crack fic after all. If we need an ambulance, the author doesn't mind sending us one and telling it off as a mere coincidence that they would find us in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere after having not contacted them..."

Russell blinked his eyes and pursed his lips with disapproval, looking on as a small white ambulance inched its way toward them with the sirens off, cruising along at a snails pace. The slowness wasn't without reason however. The orange-haired young man riding in the passenger seat wasn't sitting in the passenger seat at all, but was sitting with his body halfway outside of the vehicle, his behind firmly placed atop the rolled down window ledge as he cupped one hand nearby his mouth and hollered at the top of his lungs, mimicking the sound of sirens to the best of his ability.

"WEEE-OOO-WEEEE-OOOO-WEEEE-OOO- BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"

And with the playful spark in his whiskey colored eyes and the grin touching his lips, it wasn't hard to tell that the paramedic was having the best time of his life. Roy only managed to close his formerly wide open mouth when the vehicle was parked a few yards away.

The young man in the window swung his legs out of the car and hopped onto the pavement just as the driver- an absolutely identical orange-haired whiskey-eyed young man- opened his door and stepped out also.

 _"Hi-ya!"_ the two paramedics said in unison, each giving a friendly wave before they casually leaned back against the front of the ambulance. It was the twin on the right who spoke first.

"I'm Kaoru, and this is my brother Hikaru- we're here to help. The author called us up and told us that you needed a lift, so... what's up?"

With a lopsided grin Hikaru stood up straight and suddenly stepped in front of his brother, closing the space between them so that their hips almost touched as he lifted a hand and gently cupped Kaoru's cheek, lifting his face ever so slightly heavenward. Expressions grew soft as lips hovered over lips and a blush spread across Kaoru's pale cheeks as the 'Tango Birlliante for Orchestra' suddenly swelled in the background. As the music played, the air around them turned a glimmering pink as red roses blossomed, framing their forms on the abandoned road.

"Oh you know what's up, Kaoru," Hikaru cooed in a low, husky voice, his heated breath tickling Kaoru's cheeks. "I love it when you take charge of the situation like that. It turns me on. It makes me want you."

Kaoru's blush deepened and he glanced sheepishly over his shoulder at a shocked Russell, Roy, and Elicia. "Hikaru, not when we're taking a call..." Kaoru whispered with tears brimming in his eyes. "You're embarrassing me in front of everybody..."

"You give me premature ventricular contractions," Hikaru sang softly into the shell of his brother's ear. "I might have to visit a doctor for it, but the only one I want to toy with my body is you."

"Oh, Hikaru..." Kaoru moaned.

"Aw gawd, that's disgusting!" Russell cried.

"My husband's been shot in the head!" Roy shouted angrily.

Hikaru quickly pulled away from his twin and slammed a fist down upon the front of the ambulance with frustration. "Dammit! I knew we were forgetting something! Every time, I swear..."

Kaoru put a finger to his chin. "Ohhh..." he hummed, "We forgot to bring the body bag."

"Always the body bag..." Hikaru muttered with a shake of the head.

"I'm still alive..." Edward muttered, still bleeding out in the car seat.

Hikaru quickly spun on his heels and faced Edward who sat only a few feet away. "Are you an organ donor?" he asked excitedly, "Because if you want, we could do something about that- we could drive 10 miles below the speed limit if it's that important to you. That way you'd die in transit, but the organs will already be on their way to the hospital!"

"JUST HELP HIM!" Roy and Russell shouted.

"OKAY, OKAY!" the twins replied. And with that, they rushed to Edward's side.

Hikaru looked over the gash at the side of Edward's head while Kaoru slipped part of an ice cold stethoscope beneath Edward's shirt.

"How does it look?" Hikaru asked his brother.

"The author's level of caring is steadily dropping to a dangerously low level," Kaoru answered. "Things are getting critical- this girl gives zero fucks about what goes on in the middle of this chapter..."

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!" Elicia cried out from the back of the car.

"When the author gives zero fucks while writing a crack fic, young lady, it means that there's a good chance she might screw one of the characters over, meaning that blondie over here's luck has just run out."

"Then take him to the hospital!" Elicia shouted.

"We should take him to the morgue!" Hikaru joked.

"Just do your fucking jobs!"

"Touchy, aren't we..." Hikaru grumbled, "Anyway, Kaoru, does he need... that thing?"

"No, no, save that," Kaoru said dismissively. "We'll need it for the autopsy..."

The look in Hikaru's eyes suddenly brightened as he stood up and wiped the crimson blood that was on his latex gloves off on Edward's head of golden hair. "Hey Kaoru, what do you do when a patient is seizing in the bathtub?"

"Throw in your dirty laundry!" Kaoru answered with a grin. "Ba-dum-tsss! Damn, this is a sucky chapter... but it's necessary!"

"Yeah, that's true!"

"Roy?" Edward croaked weakly, his eyelids fluttering slightly.

Roy was at his side in the blink of an eye, kneeling down and taking a hold of one of his clammy hands as Hikaru and Kaoru retrieved a gurney.

"Yes, yes, I'm here..." Roy said, squeezing Ed's hand reassuringly.

He was answered by a quiet, breathy chuckle, sending blood rolling down the side of Edward's neck. "I was talking about... the squirrel... bastard... b-but... I su-suppose you're good too... I su-p-pose..."

When Roy spoke, his voice sounded so far away. It so quiet- just a speck of light in an expanse of darkness, a single grain of sand within a calm sea reflecting the deepest blue of a sky at twilight.

"Fullmetal?" Roy called, his voice quieter than before, but so full of worry. "Hang on, Fullmetal, oh please... please be okay..."

And then as darkness consumed Edward's vision, he felt the light touch of lips placing a kiss upon his forehead.

It was mere seconds later that Edward walked out of the darkness on his own two feet- the inky darkness fading into a hazy gray and then into odd clarity. It was strange really- that sensation when you know that you're dreaming, and yet it all seems so real.

Because it is.

He was in medium sized room with a row of window on one side where early afternoon sunlight streamed in. The slight hum of the air conditioner in the corner just barely covered the whispering of the computer monitors that were lined up in neat rows upon rows of desks joined by identical plush swivel chairs. At first, Ed believed the computer lab to be empty, but there, out of the corner of his eye, at the corner of the room, he saw a young woman typing, her head practically hidden behind the computer screen in front of her.

She was an odd little thing somewhere in her early twenties. Her dark brown hair was long and wild, her slightly parted lips were painted ruby red, and upon the bridge of her nose, she wore a pair of glasses that were too big and too round for her face. She wearing a heavy winter coat indoors despite, at least what Ed thought to be, what was a comfortable temperature.

She typed vigorously, almost as if her life depended on it. And then suddenly, she stopped, and leaned back in her swivel chair, crossing her arms in front of her chest and narrowing her light brown eyes as she read what she had just typed.

 _"Okay then," Ed said, slowing down to a gentle bounce. A small, mischievous smile spread across his face. "Are you ready to have the most orgasmic orgasm of your life?"_ Okay, what the actual fuck do I think I'm doing? Anyway... new paragraph..."

"Excuse me!" Edward called out in a clear voice as he approached her. "But... could you tell me who you are? And... where I am?"

"I'm the author of this crackfic," the author said, sitting up straight again and continuing to type. "And you, Edward Elric, are in a college computer lab in Indiana."

"...and what is this then?" Ed questioned, stopping in front of the author and narrowing his golden eyes.

"It's a dream sequence, dumb-ass."

"Well you've gotta be pretty damn self-centered and not to mention vain to put yourself in a dream sequence in your own fanfic..."

The author's fingers paused on the keyboard as she turned around in her seat and shot Ed a chilling glare, the effect heightened by the slight downward curvature of her full lips and the dark almost bruise-like circles beneath her eyes which rolled and then turned back to the computer screen.

"Shut up and get back to the story..." the author mumbled, eyes scanning over what she had written.

Edward wrinkled his nose slightly. "Geez, kid... bitchy much?"

"Bitchy yes. Kid, no. I'm flip flopping between Wattpad, Tumblr, Yuri on Ice vines, and a chat-room I frequent, so... shoo fly. Don't bother me."

With that, the young woman spun around in her swivel chair and the sound of fingers coming down hard upon keyboard keys filled the air once more. Ed's eyes lowered as if they were being dragged down by the heaviness that weighed upon his heart. But after a while, those golden eyes met the form of the author once more.

"Miss Author?" Edward called quietly.

"Sarah," the young woman replied in a surprisingly soft voice, not looking away from the computer screen.

"What?"

"My name. It's Sarah."

Edward wet his lips and shifted his weight nervously before speaking.

"Okay, well Sarah... I understand that what you say goes, so... I was wondering if before I wake up... if... I wake up... you could perhaps take one request."

He didn't know what it was that made the author pause, spin back around in her seat, and look at him with that expression- that expression that you get when you're talking to a shy, quiet person and you know that they're prepared to listen. You know that you've peaked their interest, and they won't say a single word until you've said what you need to say.

Perhaps it was the tone of his voice. Or perhaps it was something else. All that mattered was that she there. 

And she waited patiently for him to speak.

"Don't get me wrong; I understand that life doesn't give any favors," Edward explained. "I've gotten my heart broken so many times, and I've lost so many people who are dear to me. I have seen so many people get hurt, and it's so hard to get back up again when you fall down, because the highs are high, and the lows... they are so damn low. I'm never one to beg. Never. Yet here I am now, and I beg of you... grant me this one single wish. Perform this one single miracle..."

The author's expression softened with understanding as she tilted her head to the side, letting her dark hair fall over her shoulders. Overcome with emotion, Edward used one arm to wipe away the tears he hadn't even realized had fallen from his eyes.

And with a smile on his face, he voiced his one single wish.


	13. F*ck Me Slowly and F*ck Me Well

"...get me that lap dance from lesbian porn star Eliza J. Hennessy," Edward said softly with a gentle shake of the head and a dreamy look in his eyes. "And afterward... let her fuck me. Fuck me slowly and fuck me well."

"Of course," the author said with a smile. "I wouldn't have it any other way."


	14. I F*ck Sluts

Elicia was sitting as still as a statue on a bench in the sterilized hallway of the hospital with her eyes closed and her hands linked behind her neck. In the pristine white hall, the footfall of doctors, nurses, patients, and visitors were all easily heard, echoing as they hit the linoleum floor. 

Whose footsteps belonged to who... well the sounds were indistinguishable. Yet somehow, Elicia knew to open her eyes when he finally stopped before her.

A familiar elderly man wearing a dark trench coat stood directly in front of her, the wrinkles on his pale face creasing and deepening as he smiled. But despite the lack of dental hygiene, the smile was warm and genuine, and the subtle spark in his dark eyes only added to his soft and gentle disposition.

Elicia pushed her glasses further up on the bridge of her nose as her puffy pink eyes widened.

"Mr. Hitchhiker..." she said breathlessly.

"Miss Elicia. It's a pleasure," he said politely, extending out a hand. 

Hesitantly, Elicia accepted the handshake, and when the hitchhiker's eyes wandered down to the seat she was sitting on, Elicia nodded her head, giving him the permission to sit down next to her. He sat down slowly as old men do, groaning over his aching bones and then letting out a sigh of satisfaction as his body finally settled. 

The hitchhiker's eyes then flicked over to the young  lanky girl who had the shadows of tear tracks marring her rosy cheeks. "Say... what might be troubling you, young lady?" he questioned gently.

"N-Nothing..." Elicia sniffled, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her coat.

"Is that so?"

With a quake of her shoulders and a biting on her trembling lower lip, Elica's back bowed forward and she hid her face in the palms of her pale hands.

"No, it's not nothing," she whispered in a hoarse voice, "I'm... I'm afraid. My friend is hurt and... and I'm afraid for him. And I just feel so... so _useless_. I'm just a third wheel- I can't do a single thing to help Ed, or Roy, or anybody else in this situation. I wasn't even supposed to come on this road trip with them in the first place, but I begged my uncle to go..."

Elica's body stiffened, but quickly relaxed as the hitchhiker placed a hand upon her back, rubbing in slow, calming circles.

"Well sometimes, all you can do is let things take their course, even if doing so is painful," the hitchhiker explained. "You know, you're a very brave young woman. Your parents should be proud of you."

When he was answered by a silence, he took his hand off of her back and carefully lifted his body off of the seat. He moved in front of her and then squatted down so that they were at eye level.

The hitchhiker smiled a small sympathetic smile. "You know... crying..." He paused and shook his head slightly. "Crying doesn't make you any less brave. If anything, crying flushes you- it makes you stronger by preparing you to take on the next challenge. And if... if you're afraid of people seeing you cry because you believe they'll think less of you... Well, that's what shoulders are for. To cry into. And if you don't want to cry into a shoulder, you can always blame it on the rain."

A smile spread across his face as he placed a large hand atop her head. "Or onions," he added. "Or a speck of dust blown into your-"

He was cut off as Elicia rushed forward, burying herself in his embrace. And she stayed there for a very long time, sobbing into his shoulder, the scent that hung on his clothes ever so similar to that of her late father- something that was ingrained into her memory though the memory of the man himself was steadily fading.

Minutes passed before Elicia slowly drew away, wiping tears away from her eyes as she chuckled to herself slightly, chiding herself for her silliness.

"A bit better now?" the hitchhiker questioned, still kneeling. 

"Yeah... I think so..." Elicia replied with a weak smile.

"Glad to hear it."

"You're nice."

If the look in the hitchhiker's eyes could soften any more... well they did. He was touched. Truly touched. 

"Well that's nice of you to say," he said in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

Elicia blinked the wetness away from her eyes before studying the rather odd man before her. And it was soon that a certain question struck her mind. 

"What you said a while ago... Do you really have a wife and daughter?"

Elicia watched as the hitchhiker carefully rose and lifted himself back onto the seat beside her before speaking. Hand folded and rested themselves upon his lap before he leaned against the seat's back. "No, not a daughter," he eventually answered, bowing his head slightly. "But I did have a wife though. She passed away a long time ago. I'm... I'm sad of course, and maybe a bit lonely... but it's alright."

"Who are you?" Elicia asked softly. "And why are you following us?"

The man swallowed thickly before silently shifting his body, turning so that he faced Elicia who was holding her breath. "My name... my name is Zihan," he answered. "I've never had a daughter, but... I do have a son."

Elicia's eyes grew wide and she felt her mouth going dry. "You... You're-"

The hitchhiker smiled with understanding. "My name is Zihan Mustang," he said softly. "I'm Roy Mustang's father."

The expression of Elicia's face slowly turned from shock to wonder to joy. Joy was quickly cast aside however when she heard a doctor shout out from Edward's hospital room, only three or four doors down the hall.

"It's failing, we need to bring his heart rate up quick!"

"It's Edo!" Elicia said, quickly rising up from the seat and heading in Edward's direction.  "I need to go- I need to go now!"

Roy's father quickly followed after her and the two of them stopped in the doorway, watching with fear and concern as doctors and nurses crowded around Edward's bed and the heart monitor when haywire. With tears in her eyes, Elicia put a hand over her mouth as a doctor in a white lab coat began compressions on Edward's horribly still chest.

"Is he breathing?!" one of the nurses asked quickly as the doctors readied the defibrillator.

"No, he isn't! For heaven's sake..." a doctor exclaimed as he worked at pulling up Ed's shirt. "Charge it," he called to his coworker behind him. "Hurry, bring it up to 340, we're losing him!"

One nurse was trying to restrain a nearby Mustang while Eliza J. Hennessy leaned causally against the wall in the corner of the room, being present there for no reason other than the fact that the author wanted her to be there.

"What's going on?!" Roy cried frantically, tugging his wrist away from a nurse's grasp.

"You need to leave the room sir, we need to restart his heart!"

With a smirk, Hennesy pushed off of the wall and strutted her way over to Edward in her killer cherry red high heels. "Oh, don't worry hotcakes..." she hummed, putting one delicate hand to Edward's cheek and putting the other to his toned chest. "I think I can help with-"

It was then that Roy roughly shoved Hennessy out of the way, taking his rightful place at Edward's bedside. 

"OUTTA THE WAY, BITCH! I GOT THIS!" he said loudly to the surprised cult leader and lesbian porn star. He looked down at Edward's practically lifeless form. "My body is ready..." he muttered softly. 

And with that, Roy Mustang swiftly and unceremoniously placed a hand upon the mattress beside Ed's head, set a knee by his side, and finally leaned over, cupping Edward's cheek and dipping his head down to capture his flushed pink lips in a passionate kiss, drawing out a whistle from Elicia and dropped jaws from the nurses and doctors. 

Elicia and Zihan Mustang's smiles only grew wider as with a low moan, Edward's back slowly rose off of the bed as he kissed back, placing a hand against Roy's chest as he sat upright.

"I feel like this was a long time comin'..." Zihan said as Elicia reached around the doorway and dimmed the lights in the room.

**♫Oh, baby now let's get down tonight...**

"It was," she replied with a slight shake of her head. Taking out her iPod, she smirked and began to play the song Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. "Oh yes it was..."

**Ooh baby, I'm hot just like an oven  
I need some lovin'  
And baby, I can't hold it much longer  
It's getting stronger and stronger**

Roy found himself being guided off of the bed, and he and Ed broke for air as with golden eyes heavy with lust, Edward quickly took off the shirt of his mint green hospital scrubs and discarded it on the floor. The blond then balled up the fabric of Roy's shirt collar in his fists and shoved him backward, making Roy gasp with surprise as his back made contact with the wall. A short rolling cart stocked high with pill bottles nearly tipped over as Roy tried to keep his balance. But it managed to stay upright as with disheveled hair and skin slick with perspiration,  Ed lightly brushed his tongue over Roy lower lip, gaining entrance into his mouth, ravaging it and fucking it with his tongue as fingers shakily undid the buttons of Roy's shirt.

**And when I get that feeling  
I want sexual healing  
Sexual healing, oh baby  
Makes me feel so fine  **

A groan of pleasure escaped from a trembling Roy's mouth as hands carded themselves through his hair and teeth nipped at his lower lip before lips covered his mouth once again with purpose. Edward's mind spun and he moaned painfully at the increasing friction of his growing erection against the rough fabric of his pants, only to have his mouth fall open breathlessly as Roy slowly ground his hips against his own and cock rubbed against cock.

**Helps to relieve my mind  
Sexual healing baby, is good for me  
Sexual healing is something that's good for me  **

Wanting more, Roy hurriedly undid the zipper of his pants and then put his hands on Edward's shoulders, pulling him around so that their positions were reversed. Through his thin hospital pants, Ed's ass rubbed hard against the cool wall with roll of Roy's hips.

Edward's hand traveled underneath the back of Roy's open shirt, nails clawing both painfully and pleasurably at his back before both arms rose and wrapped around Roy's neck.

Roy placed his hands on the outsides of Edward's thighs, lifting him up so that he could wrap his legs around his waist. Breathing came quickly and heavily from both individuals, thinning the air around them. Ed pressed his back up against the wall to steady himself as he captured Roy's lips, earning himself an audible groan before he bounced his body up slightly, sucking and nibbling and kissing his neck, his collarbone, and his chest.

As teeth clashed with teeth and mouths moved in synchronization, Roy put a hand on Edward's back, carried him three steps to the right, and unceremoniously lowered him down onto the bed whose springs bounced slightly under the sudden weight.

Roy hurriedly took off his pants, finally exposing himself to open air before he got onto the bed with Ed. He supported his back, and in one swift movement, he lifted him up slightly and expertly tugged his underwear down past his knees and then his ankles. A hand tentatively sought out the warm space between his legs and jerked his hard dick up with unapologetic abuse. Ed let out a whimper and a moan of pleasure, the heat around them rising as Roy traced his wet parts, his lubricated fingers playing around a small hole that was opening up for him. Edward's back arched off of the mattress and he let out a soundless cry of delight as the tip of his finger just barely entered inside of his, sending a shock of white hot warmth through his body.

From the doorway, Elicia lifted a hand and covered Zihan's eyes. Others had joined them at the doorway, and Kaoru Hitacchiin covered Hikaru's eyes, while Hikaru covered your eyes, while you covered the author's eyes, while the author covered Roy the Squirrel's eyes, who sat very alive on top of Elicia's head. It was Roy the squirrel who tried to cover Elicia's eyes, but with arms too short and foam from his mouth getting in the way, this task was impossible to accomplish. 

Not that Elicia minded much anyway. 

"I don't get it!" Hikaru said, wrinkling his nose slightly, "What's the author trying to do? Is this supposed to be funny? Is this supposed to turn us on? What?"

"Oh shut up," the author mumbled.

"Your son really knows his way around a dick..." Elicia observed.

"Runs in our blood," Zihan replied.

Elicia closed her mouth and blinked.

" _Sweet._.."she said with a smirk. "Anyway, should we wait until they finish?"

"What the fuck is this fanfic?" Kaoru muttered under his breath.

A silence overcame those standing at the doorway. And from inside the room came the sound of fucking. 

Lovely. 

"You know... I wrote a poem," Elicia suddenly said to the crowd of people with their eyes covered. "It's one of my favorites, and I'd like to read it now if that's okay. It's a little bit sappy. It's a little bit romantic, but I'll read it now and we'll go back to whatever. That sound okay to everyone?"

All the humans gave her the go ahead while Roy the squirrel gave her a chattering of teeth and a foaming of the mouth. And so, Elicia dug into her pant pocket, pulled out a tiny notebook, flipped to a page in the middle, and cleared her throat. 

"Alright then. This poem is called, 'I Fuck Sluts'," she announced.

"Woo!" Hikaru chirped excitedly.

"It's not a role call, but thank you," Elicia mumbled, turning the page. She began to read with enthusiasm.

"Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts!  
Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts.  
No "if"s, "and"s and/or but's. I fuck sluts!  
I fuck sluts! Nice boys are nice but no good for nut-sucking,  
You'll need a serene night to green-light a butt fucking,  
But that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking.  
Boo to the nice boys. Praise be to slut fucking!  
I have a list. A list? Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed.  
I've never fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed.  
So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes him from the list.  
Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut-sucking,  
Suck it slut, slut fucking bucket list!"

 _"Fuck, Roy... faster..."_ Edward groaned huskily. The groan was accompanied by the sound of the doctors' and nurses' bodies collapsing to the floor due to excessive blood loss from nosebleeds. 

"Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond.  
They can be skinny with big dicks or be skinny with small ones.  
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash."

Elicia's expression grew solemn.

"But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart.  
These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart.  
They can talk about science, music, or art.  
They can put you together... or they can pull you apart.  
But don't trust these sluts, don't, don't you dare.  
They'll force you to trust them and love them and care.  
And then they'll be gone and then you'll be aware  
Of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

Thank you very much. You see, he was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken!" Elicia said closing her book and looking over at Roy and Ed. "They've finished."

Everyone uncovered their eyes.

"But they're still butt naked," Elicia added, earning herself a collective groan.


	15. Time for the Weather

Edward and Elicia sat atop Ed's hospital bed, looking on with warm smiles on their faces as Roy and Zihan embraced for what might have been the very first time. Letting out a ragged breath and putting his hands on his father's shoulders, Roy was the first one to draw away.

"Wait, but I... I thought you were-"

"You thought I was on my deathbed?" Zihan interrupted. "Well I got better. Us Mustangs don't go down easy."

"I'd say otherwise..." Edward muttered with a smirk, earning him a playful punch on the shoulder from the teenager beside him.

Still looking at his father, Roy took a step back, and studied the aging man's eyes, looking for answers. He opened his mouth, and not finding the words to say, he closed it again. He swallowed thickly before shaking his head with disbelief and speaking. "But... but why?! Why did you follow us; why didn't you just tell me?"

"I was dying," Zihan replied with a pained expression. "And I haven't been there for you- I didn't see you grow up, and maybe... maybe I was just a little bit afraid. And then when I didn't die, I realized that I wanted to-"

"That I wanted to see you," Roy said softly. "I wanted to see you before my time was up."

"Yes. Although I chickened out when we met at the side of the road," Zihan said, stepping forward and pulling Roy to his chest once more. "Sorry about that."

"Forgiven."

The old man rested his chin on one of his son's broad shoulders. "You two have killed seven doctors and nurses, and the readers of this fanfic probably aren't going to be walking out of this free of mental scars. There are going to be people on your tail, Roy. You boys get in your car now and take a run for it. I can take Elicia and we can hitchhike our way to the museum I own. You can meet us there."

"You have a whole museum dedicated to the smallest transmutation circle ever made?" Elicia questioned.

"Well we can't really say that it's the smallest one ever made because there's no proof backing it. Smallest transmutation circle ever drawn? Yes. Definitely." Zihan patted Roy on the back and drew away. "But good luck boys. Go."

Roy tossed his father a quick nod before walking across the room and taking a gentle hold of Edward's hand. A slight blush crept upon the blond's cheeks as Roy led him out the door and into the hallway.

The two of then stopped and turned around when they heard a strong but slightly timid voice.

"Roy?" Zihan called from the doorway.

Roy blinked with confusion.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I... I love you. Fathers are supposed to say that, right? When they mean it?"

Roy smiled softly at his father and gently squeezed Edward's hand. The small but affectionate gesture felt so... right. So second nature.

If only Fullmetal could say what he was supposed to say when he meant it...

Grinning from ear to ear, Elicia popped her head out of the doorway.

"See you soon, Roy! Edo! Be careful out there! This is probably my last speaking line in the fanfic, so I better make it memorable. Life without women is a pain in the ass! Literally! But... it's worth it, aint it?"

"Got that right," Ed said before Roy continued to tug him down the hall.

"I wanna be gay when I grow up..." they heard Elica say from behind. "At least, gayer than I already am..."

Ed and Roy began to panic when police sirens were heard outside, and the two of them began to run down the hall, desperately trying to navigate their way through the twisting and turning hallways, getting shouted at by nurses and doctors in the process. It was a few minutes before the pair made it to a glass side door in a secluded area on the first floor. When Roy saw the heavy rainfall beating against the pavement of the parking lot before them, he stopped in his tracks and let go of Ed's hand.

"Come on! You aren't afraid of a little rain... are you?" Ed said with disbelief.  "Come on, bastard, quit being a baby and let's go outside!"

"Hell no! Like you said, it's raining!"

A condescending grin spread across Edward's face as he put his hands to his hips. "I mean, look at me! I'm not afraid of the raid, I'm used to the water- I make the boys rain all the-"

He was cut off when Roy gently shoved him away and went out the door, immediately getting soaked by the pouring rain. "Oh my gosh, just stop being nasty, Fullmetal. The fanfic is already nasty as it is..."

Together, the jogged across the parking lot and quickly let themselves into the back seats od the  car that Russell was currently trying to fix from the inside, patching the bullet holes and broken windows with duct tape and plastic wrap. 

"We need to go! Now!" Ed said quickly to Russell who was working to fix the windshield.

With a tired sigh Russell set down his roll of duck tape, buckled his seat belt, and turned on the ignition. "Why?" he questioned, rolling his eyes. "What have you done now?"

"We may or may have not been responsible for the deaths of several innocents," Ed answered as the car rolled out of the lot. "And we might have the police on our tail. We need to get to Roy's dad's place."

"Why am I not surprised?"

Cold, heavy raindrops drummed upon the windshield of Russell's broken car which hummed quietly as it sped down the winding highway shrouded in the storm's eerie gloom. The windshield wipers swung to and fro, making a steady, rhythmic sound that cast away the reflective silence that overcame the occupants of the car. Russell tightened his grip on the steering wheel, and the corners of his lips bent into a frown when he adjusted his mirror.

Silently, Roy and Ed each looked out the foggy windows on their side of the car, their thoughts elsewhere, but their hands still joined together, their matching rings gleaming in the headlights of a passing car.

When Roy pulled his hand away, Edward glanced over at him, and his expression turned to that of concern when he noticed Roy silently use the palm of his hand to rub a slow, tight circle around the center of his chest. Onyx eyes continued to look out at the cloudy sky and miles of old twisted pine trees lining the road. Roy sat still, trying to ignore the tremors in his hands and the lightheaded-ness that caused the world to spin.

"Roy?" Edward called in a quiet voice. "Roy, are you alright?"

Letting out a pained groan, Roy took hold of the fabric over his heart as he doubled over slightly, trying to breathe through the sharp aching, squeezing sensation that was taking over his abdomen.

"My chest..." he panted, "It's... it's been hurting me all day."

"Then why the fuck didn't you say anything about it, you idiot?!" Edward shouted.

"It was dull, I... I thought it was... nothing..."

"What is it with people getting hurt or sick in my car?!" Russell exclaimed.

Roy squeezed his eyes shut and visibly shuddered. "Edward? S-Something's wrong..."

"You're having a heart attack, that's what's wrong!" Ed said, moving himself to the edge of his seat and looking at the driver directly in front of him. "We need to turn around, Russ! We've gotta get him back to the hospital! I think this is real shit; like shit that dry comedy and anal sex can't fix!"

Russel said nothing, and Edward looked on with confusion as the man slowly decreased his speed so that it came to a crawl.

"What are you doing?!" Ed questioned.

"I'm pulling over," Russell replied over his shoulder in an unusually calm voice.

He brought the car onto the bed of gravel at the side of the road, and to Edward's disbelief, he put the car in park. Roy put a hand on his shoulder as if to steady himself.

"We don't need to pull over- we need to turn around!" Edward shouted.

Rain thudded loudly against the hood of the car and Roy gasped for air as Russell continued to stare straight ahead, seeing yet unseeing at the same time.

He bowed his head.

"No." he whispered.

"What?!" Ed cried with disbelief and tears gathering in his golden eyes. "Russ, if we don't get him back, he might die!"

Russell slowly turned around in his seat and stared back with eyes and expression and unreadable. "I know," he said firmly. "But we're not going anywhere... until you promise me something. And I need you to mean what you say; there's no going back on your promise."

Ed blinked the wetness from his eyes and then suddenly opened his car door, stepping out into the pouring rain, his bangs sticking to the side of his face as he went an opened Russell's door. 

"Stop fucking around, Russell! If you won't drive, I will!" he growled with teeth bared.

A grin across Russell's face as he turned and looked at Edward from the driver's seat. Ed took one step back as the younger blond slowly stood himself up, the fine water-slick gravel beneath his shoes grinding against each other as he straightened his back, practically looming over Edward whose eyes had gone wide with fear.

Still ginning, Russell took another step forward and carded his fingers through this hair. One of the rings on his hands flashed red in headlights of the car. 

"Remember the chapter 'A Sadist, a Potato Sack, and the Return of Eliza J. Hennessy'?" Russell questioned coolly. "If you payed attention, the author gave me a ring embedded with a red stone. Yes, _THAT_ red stone, Eddie. And she didn't do so for no reason. Perhaps... she was waiting for me to do just this."

Russell balled his hands into fists, and red alchemic energy whizzed and snapped and popped all around them in the rain, tendrils of light licking their bodies. The ground began to violently shake, and Edward let out a gasp of surprise as a viper, one of the nearby tree roots seemingly come alive, shot out and tried to wrap itself around his wrist with no avail. Ed was quick on his feet, but in the end, not quick enough. He dodged the first snake-like root, jumped over another that came at him like a cracking whip, and then tried to make a run for it around the car. 

 "She knew that I was at a disadvantage using circles, so she decided to even the playing field!" Russell shouted with a smile, making more tree roots come to life. "The party's over, Elric! No more laughs! No more fun and games! Welcome to the real world, runt!"  

Ed lost his footing as the ground lifted beneath his feet, but he quickly steadied himself, skidding to a halt on top of the loose rock in just enough time to deliver a roundhouse kick. It was a root flying out of the corner of his vision that did him in, flexing in the air and snapping toward him, sending him crashing back against the side of the car, slamming the driver's side door closed. Edward grabbed desperately at his neck as roots curled around it. They pinned him against the door and deprived him of oxygen as more roots curled around his ankles and Russell stalked toward him with a devilish smile.

"I learned my lesson when we were kids," Russell said, stopping in front of Ed and tucking his hands into his pockets. "I'm not the Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm not the Flame Alchemist either. You know what I am?"

The tree roots twisted tighter around Edward's neck, causing him to panic and gag as Russell brought his face closer to his.

" _I'm better_ ," he breathed with a smirk.

Russell took a step back as the tree root around Edward's neck descended, dragging Ed down with them so that he had no choice to be on his hands and knees, the dirt and rock digging into the palms of his hands and making them bleed. Blood ran down the side of Edward's face as well, coming from the split open stitches at the side of his head. 

Tears stung Edward's vision and Russell's blurry form squatted down before him.

"Listen and listen closely. Just... give me a year," Russell hummed, putting a thumb beneath Edward's chin and lifting it slightly. "Stay with me, and away from him, for one year. And I'll prove to you that I'm the man you want. And if you don't want to stay with me after the year is up, well... you can go back to the old man. Or not, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Just... just give me a chance," he cooed sweetly. "Tell me that you'll stay with me... my little _bitch_."

The roots around Edward's neck loosed, and he gasped for desperately needed air.

"F-F-Fullmetal..." Edward heard Roy pant shallowly.

A whimper escaped from Edward's throat as Russell suddenly wrenched his chin higher, sending a sharp pain shooting down the back of his neck.

"You take me, or the slut of the military dies- I have no problem with that!" Russell continued. "We were happy together! The dog was sticking his nose where it didn't belong!"

"Roy?!" Ed sobbed, his voice breaking.

"You need to make your choice, Eddie, the time's a ticking!" Russell shouted, grabbing a fist-full of long blond hair. "Your freedom or his life? Choose!"

Edward parted his trembling lips slightly and opened and closed his mouth, finding himself unable to speak.

"I didn't hear you!" Russell snarled, wrenching Edward's head further back.

"I'll go!" Edward sobbed softly. "I'll go with you."


	16. Reliable and Unchangeable

There are few things in life that are reliable. The weather is unreliable. Transportation is unreliable. The quality of the chapters in this fanfic are unreliable. Good boyfriends, fathers, nieces, friends... they are all reliable, though not all the time. Despite all of this, there are three things that could be counted on. One is that after the storm, there comes the sun. The second reliable fact is that Russell did take Ed to see the smallest transmutation circle ever drawn. And the third reliable fact is that Edward stayed with Russel for as long as he had asked him to. 

Between the border of Aerugo and Central City, there lie sprawling forests of aged pines, expanses of cracked, barren earth constantly assaulted by the sun, and finally fields of golden wheat that go on for as far as the eye can see, gleaming like the surface of the sun itself when the late afternoon light hits it in just the right way. 

And after a while, the fields cut in half by a lengthy road were cut clean in half again by a black 1924 Chevrolet sedan on its way back to Central City. A blue-eyed blond drove, and an older golden haired blond sat beside him with his chin resting on the palm of his hand, hair whipping about in the wind blown through the open window and eyes trained unblinkingly at the passing landscape which he had found he had missed the first time around. 

And that was because he had found himself paying more attention to the person who had been driving at the time.

Eliza J. Hennessy took a key out of her coat pocket and absentmindedly used it to unlock the door to the Hughes' family's home. The door opened easily, and the woman tossed the key onto the nearby coffee table before taking off her coat and tossing it onto the couch. Hennessy easily navigated her way down the hall and into Gracia's bedroom where she looked in the mirror above the dresser and carefully removed the dark wig she wore, revealing a shock of tawny brown hair cut into a type of bob.

The wig was deposited atop the dresser, and Gracia finally worked at removing the skin tight rubber mask that had formerly covered her true face. She placed the mask on the dresser and turned to you with her usual warm smile. She place a finger over her upturned lips as if to hush you quiet.

"Bitch, I bet you didn't see that coming. You didn't think that I would let my darling daughter go off with those two perverted troublemakers alone... did you?"

She was interrupted by the opening of the front door.

"Mom?!" Elicia called, "I'm home!"

"...and she'll never know!" Gracia sang softly.

The real lesbian porn star Eliza J. Hennessy returned from her two week vacation in Creta a couple hours later. After an hour or two of wandering her holy pastures, Hennessy sat atop a split board fence, facing the iron gates of the compound that stood far off in the distance at the end of a dirt road. And after a few moments of sitting and feeling the wind brushing against her pink cheeks, she spotted a squirrel only a few feet away, twitching uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth. 

Upon seeing Roy the Squirrel, who had returned to visit his wife and child, Hennessy causally tucked a lock of loose hair behind her ear and drew a bulky GP-25 grenade launcher out of her back pocket.

And for some strange and unexplained reason... she paused, and she lowered her grenade launcher. Soon enough, two other squirrels joined Roy the Squirrel. They embraced for the first time in a long while. 

It was sweet.

Hennessy shot them all.

And they died.

Permanently. Just for your information.

In the meantime... tell me. How many paramedics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

For unexplained reasons, the ambulance that Hikaru and Kaoru were in charge of had pulled over to the side of the road, which is where multiple arguably crucial scenes to the plot of this fanfic take place. The metal vehicle groaned and rocked back and forth.

It doesn't take any paramedics to screw in a light bulb. 

They screw in ambulances.

In real life, my father is a paramedic.

Forgive me.

Zihan Mustang sat alone at the hospital in a chair that had been set at his son's beside. He squeezed Roy's hand and then tenderly smoothed back the sleeping man's raven hair.  

After a long trip, it's sort of understood that people change. They come back different than the way they left because they experienced so many different things. But sometimes objects, people, emotions- they all stay still, trapped in time, collecting dust like books on a shelf.  In Aerugo, you can see the smallest transmutation circle ever drawn, and perhaps, the smallest one ever made (however, that is not officially documented). But it's so small, you need a microscope to see it, because it cannot be viewed by the naked eye. 

The circle is something unchangeable. It cannot grow or shrink in size, and if you were to follow its outer edge with your eyes, you would only end up back at the same beginning. 

_In fact, the circle was so pitiful that Ed kind of found it funny..._

 


	17. Roy, Ed, and the Smallest Transmutation Circle Ever Made

Russell took his hand off of the steering wheel and gently squeezed his husband's hand, reassuring him that he was there. With a soft and almost sad smile on his face, Edward squeezed back, the new golden wedding band on his finger glistening in the waning late afternoon light.

_...and perhaps, it was._


End file.
